Do you always say, “erm… Let’s see how when the day comes”?

Or, “I’m not sure if I’ll be free then”?

Or, “well, I may not be able to make it then but tentatively I’m ok”?

Or, “I’ll be free if I have nothing on”?

Or, “where are we going? What are we eating? What time? Who else is going? Hmm……”?

Or, “I will try to go but I can’t promise”?

Well, we know that you all have a life and you’re busy and all that. However, is it really so difficult to just say, YES or NO?

First of all, if that is someone I do not wish to go out with, I will just quickly say that I won’t be free and sorry that I can’t make it. It is just that easy. No art or skill needed.

Other than that, my answer is always pretty quick and clean, “YES, I’ll see you then”, “NO, sorry I won’t be free”. If I am keen to meet, I’ll even suggest to meet another day.

I wonder why some people find it so difficult to make up their mind. I am sure you know your own schedule. If you already have a plan for that day, why can’t you just say so? There is seriously no need to say tentatively you’re ok or that you will try but you can’t promise.

If you are going to meet a friend for a good catch up or gathering, does the place and food really matter? No point in asking where to meet and what to eat.

What? You can’t because you’re not sure if you will be free then? C’mon, I am asking you now, shouldn’t you be reserving that particular day for me then? First come first serve, haven’t you heard of it? Unless you don’t want to see me, otherwise, that is a very lame excuse.

I’ve been getting all of the excuses as stated above, from friends/colleagues/relatives. When I get that few more times, I stop asking these people out. I stop taking initiative to be the first one to ask them. If  they’re really keen in seeing me, now they take the first step. I have tried and I am tired of it.

There are some who will always tell me that I never ask them out, but when I do, they will tell me how busy they are and they can’t make it. So I told them, you come ask me when you are free. Then, they never ask. Few months down the road, the same question pops up again, that when am I free to meet them? Sigh…… Why can’t you just give me a date and I will tell you if I’ll be able to make it?!

Then, there are these people, who always say that they’re OK for the time being, but they can’t promise if there’s going to be any last minute changes. I would be like, WTF! You have already made a date with me, how can there be any last minute changes? OK, fine, emergency matter, I totally understand. But do you need to say that every time?

I appreciate those who always give me an absolute answer, “yes, Ashley, I’ve marked my calendar for you”, “no, Ashley, can we make it maybe next week?” I love them! We will always work on the best date for each other and we stick to it and we wait for the day to come, all done just within a few minutes. If there is any changes later, first thing first we will always inform the other one and we work on another date again. It is just so easy but I just can’t understand why some people can’t seem to do that.

If I don’t ask you out again, I’m sure you know why. Please don’t blame me for not asking you out again. I have tried (and I’m sure you know it too), and I have failed too many times. If you are still unsure of the way I will respond to your request, don’t bother asking then, ’cause that shows that you don’t know me at all.

When I tell you my calendar is still empty for all the weekends in June, take my words and go pick a day. I’ll surely say yes, provided if I’m keen to see you. :P

Hold on there…… I am writing in “YOU”, not “I”. Aaaahhhh…… Hmmmm…… Sigh……

I will be travelling to Bangkok tomorrow, with a bunch of lovely friends and Andrew. Seriously, the mood hasn’t come knocking. Hello Missy Travel Mood! Have you forgotten about visiting me?

Andrew was the one who booked the tickets. I wasn’t feeling anything back then either. When I booked the hotel a month ago, I was more like in a state of gotta-book-now-or-else-sleep-on-the-street.

I didn’t even bother to search for the attractions in Bangkok until last week. Melissa is the one who keeps feeding me the information and I felt so guilty. :P

I am not even doing the counting down. I did plan the itinerary with Melissa, but I do not “feel” it. I planned for the sake of planning, because I do not want to get the panic attack in such a foreign land where I can’t even understand their language.

I started packing for the trip last night, but still, I don’t “feel” it. I am worried about the HOT weather, I was trying to pack some casual and light-weight clothes. To my surprise, I have little of them. They’re either too plain, or I already feel HOT by just looking at them. I realised my wardrobe has either the working side of me, or the VERY casual side of me. There is nothing in between. Hmph! :(

This isn’t the first time I feel mood-less for a trip, but it is worse this time.

I am preparing for the sake of preparing. I know I am going somewhere, and that’s it.

I am not jumping with joy that I will be going for a vacation. There’s no little voice in my head yelling “YAY” everyday.

I know what I am doing and should do, but I am not feeling excited.

It’s like, “Okay, I’m going to Bangkok”.

Sigh…… What is wrong with me…… Going somewhere with a mood like this isn’t good. Guess I gotta switch it on “manually”, “Ashley, you’re going to Bangkok!!! YAY!!! Shopping!!! YAY!!! Food!!! YAY!!! Ayutthaya!!! YAY!!!”

Hope the travel mood will come when I see my friends tomorrow in the airport. Ya, their silly jokes can do magic. Wuahahahahaha.

我妈妈很爱美。只要一踏出家门，她就一定会打扮一番。就算是上巴刹买菜，她都要涂上口红！爸爸有一次揶揄说，“怎么？涂上口红那个卖豆芽的就会给你多5毛钱的豆芽吗？” 哈哈哈哈哈。

妈妈虽然60几了，却还在穿牛仔裤。牛仔裤配上低跟鞋，还是很有女人味。妈妈甚少穿平底鞋。

妈妈的头发，都是美美的。有时理发师把她的头发弄丑了，她可要唠叨上一阵子。有时爸爸说新发型难看，她就会老是抓着我们来问，“难看吗？你爸爸讲难看。有咩？”

妈妈的皮肤很漂亮。到现在还是坚持搽用那用了30几年的牌子。什么牌子我也不知道，可是她说很好啊，有美白作用。厉害！30几年前就已经有美白了！！！我试过一次，妈呀，那么油腻，亏她还能用30几年！可是妈妈的脸真的好滑、好白哦。

妈妈很有时尚感。她当然不会追潮流，可是她明白什么衣服会让自己穿起来漂亮。她对颜色的搭配，有时我觉得我们年轻人都要甘拜下风。就算是在家里穿的便服，颜色都是要搭的！我们姐妹有时候穿的随便点出门，她也会说上两句。

妈妈虽然只是高中毕业，可是很有主见，很有涵养。不会随波逐流，不会泼妇骂街。管教孩子有她自己的方法，我们姐妹都很相亲相爱（有点肉麻，却是事实 :P）。

妈妈年轻时很漂亮。婚后生子后，有种贵妇的气质。身为裁缝师的她，以前自己穿的衣服都是自己亲手缝制的，很时髦、很漂亮。看照片，很难相信那时候家里经济不好。妈妈的穿着简直就是富太太的样。

妈妈有一双长腿。很喜欢穿长长的裙子。还记得有一次爸爸看见妈妈穿起那长长的旗袍，眼睛瞪得好大，嘴巴简直是合不拢了。哈哈哈。吓到了，没想到妈妈穿旗袍那么美。:D 幸好，我和妹妹都受了妈妈的遗传，腿长。:)

看吧，有着一个这么爱打扮的妈妈，女儿们能不受影响吗？从小耳濡目染，多多少少都会染上妈妈的性格，爱美！

姐妹之间，吵架是难免的。可是吵归吵，和好如初倒是挺快的，没有什么隔夜仇。彼此也甚少计较金钱。应该谢谢妈妈把我们调教的那么好。

上一次回家时，看见妈妈忽然之间老了很多。心很痛、很愧疚。。。。。。当下告诉自己，要常回家了。

妈妈，母亲节快乐。

刚刚才发现，好久没和爸妈一起合照了！T__T 下次回去一定要拍！

Photo taken on a helicopter ride over the 12 Apostle on Great Ocean Road, Melbourne. The sea was deep blue that it looked like some Jell-O from above. The sky was so clear that I thought I was going to heaven.

It was my first heli ride and it was awesome. All of a sudden, nothing seemed to matter anymore. It was all about the sea, the sun, the sky, the Mother Nature, the creator……

We all are living on this gifted land, but we are taking things for granted. When will we human ever learn that Mother Earth doesn’t belong to us? We are like parasites feeding on her resources, and we give nothing back (except when we die).

Perhaps, all the movies about aliens exterminating the human on earth, isn’t all that fantasy at all.

Perhaps, someday, it will come true. Aliens, or disasters.

Perhaps, not the end of the world, but rather, cleansing.

Perhaps, then, Mother Earth can breathe again.

幸运的我们，打从一出娘胎，就有爸妈的爱。再幸福点，有兄弟姐妹的爱。小时候或许不懂什么是爱，可是肢体动作上都表现出爱。渐渐的，爱，成了生活的必需品。无爱不欢呐。

不幸的，一出世就被遗弃。没有爸妈的爱，更别说兄弟姐妹的爱。年纪轻的时候，或许不明白亦不需要爱。可是，懂事了，却一直渴望爱与被爱。从哪学会要爱呢？

难道，爱是一种本能？

想想，如果大家真的那么需要爱，那爱，已经不是一种要求及渴望了。

爱，是一种需要，是必需品。

我常说，我爱Andrew，因为我需要他。很多人问，“你需要他才爱他吗？那并不是爱。”

当爱还没那么深的时候，我只是纯粹的爱他。

当爱越来越深的时候，我不但爱他，我甚至不能没有他。

所以，我爱他，因为我需要他。我需要他，因为我爱他。

不爱的话，也根本不会需要啊，不是吗？

以前写过，“It’s the same with I love my family and I need them”。我爱我家人，我也需要他们。我需要他们，因为我爱他们。

原来，大家真的需要爱。

现在，我能更明白为何有些人能为了爱，而放下自己的身段，委曲求全。

原来，都为了需要。

都为了爱。

我爱的人，和爱我的人。 ~ 摄于澳洲墨尔本，大洋路

Murderer gets away after murdering someone innocent, and the police tells the family of the victim that, life is never fair.

Someone incapable is elected as a country leader, and the politicians tell you, life is never fair.

Someone who is innocent is convicted to murder and imprisonment of 20 years because of the flaws in the justice system, and you tell him, life is never fair.

Your dog who’s been with you for 10 years dies in a car accident, and your friends tell you, life is never fair.

You’ve been longing for a child for 12 years but you know you will never have one, and someone tells you, life is never fair.

You have a pretty face but you are handicapped, and everyone says to you, life IS fair as the creator gave you some but took away some.

You have a loving husband and a happy marriage but it only lasts 5 years, and all of them say, life IS fair because you have your fair share.

You have 3 beautiful children, a good husband and are young and diagnosed with terminal disease, and doctor tells you, life IS fair.

What do you do?

All of us should stop complaining?

Shall we also stop living the life as want it since life will never be fair? Or life will always be fair?

Life is so unpredictable. So, shall we stop hoping or looking forward to the future?

So, when we are happy or dying, we shall stop being grateful or complaining.

Life is never fair. Or, life is always fair. You win some, you lose some. This is life.

P.S.: If someone were to tell me that life is never fair or this is life when my brother-in-law passed away many years ago, I would have slapped his/her face. Say that (this is life/life is never fair) to his then 3 year-old daughter! Things don’t happen to you, of course you can take a back seat and say that. I’m sorry, I’m just ranting. Too many of unhappy news lately, people around me keep throwing bad news at me. I am so scared and worried, will it be me soon?

I will never reach the top,
I will never succeed in anything,
I will never hope,
I will never fight,
if you always tell me,
that this is life, it is never fair.

Perhaps, I will be contented,
that this is life, it is never fair.

Don’t blame me,
for not reaching the top,
for not succeeding in something,
for never hoping,
for giving up.
That is because, you told me,
that this is life, it is never fair.

~ Ashley (Photo taken on Mount Sorak, South Korea)

When it comes to Liam Neeson, it can’t be wrong. Nothing can be wrong with Liam Neeson in the movie. His acting skills can make you believe anything that he said in the movies is real. :D Whenever he speaks, I melt. Aiyoooo…… His voice!!!! I can’t recall since when I become so hopelessly in love with Liam Neeson, I only know that he can “kill” people with his eyes and voice. :P No doubt he is old now, but he aged charmingly. Just like Harrison Ford. :) Still remember K-19: The Widowmaker, seeing Harrison Ford and him appearing in the same movie, divine!

Ok, back to the movie Unknown. Wanted to watch it in the cinema last year but couldn’t make it. Couldn’t find it on PPS, been waiting for Andrew to help me to download it and last week, I saw the trailer on HBO and they would be showing it on Sunday night! I was so happy and I kept reminding myself that I must not forget. WEEEE!!! I did not forget!!!

Unknown was great, how the director spent time explaining the characters impressed me . I would be lost if I wasn’t introduced to the characters well, seeing Neeson lost his identity was already a confusing and mysterious one. The director is very clever in keeping you suspended, and yet making you wanting to find out why. You would be so well-behaved during the movie and your eyes would literally glue to the TV, you wouldn’t want to miss a single scene! Although there wasn’t many action scenes, the mysteries and dialogues were enough to keep you occupied. :P

I must say I was fooled a few times. I was so focusing on wanting to know WHY those people stole Martin Harris’ identity, it was such a surprise to know that Martin Harris himself was the assassin! I again was surprised when Jürgen the private investigator committed suicide to protect his client!

Everything was so well played and set, the truth was only to be revealed near the end of the movie. When you thought that would be it, the snake is out and THE END but hey, it wasn’t finished yet! That was brilliant!

However, it is weird that why Neeson at the end had a sudden change of heart, that he didn’t want to be an assassin anymore? Who did they work for? Weren’t those people his colleagues? Why did they want to kill Neeson after the accident? Weren’t they a team? Why didn’t they save Neeson after the crash? Sigh…… Guess I’ll never have the answers. Hmm…… Somehow, I found a little bit of similarity of Bourne Identity in Unknown, the backbone of the story is pretty similar. :) How nice if Unknown were to be in drama series. :D

Baby boomers had a hard time understanding and communicating with the Gen-X, they always called it the generation gap.

I, was born in the early 80′s, in between the Gen-X and Gen-Y. Of course, my parents are the baby boomers. Generation gap, always. What they expected of me, are totally different from what I want for myself. I have my own outlook on life, which they disagree. However, I am still their daughter, doing my best to be a filial daughter. No matter how different we think, I still respect them as my parents. After all, they have gone through so much, their life experiences are priceless.

Here comes the Gen-Y. Sigh…… We have no problem communicating with them, but the Gen-Y’s attitude is so different. If you say we Gen-X are spontaneous, wait till you hear the Gen-Y. If you think we Gen-X are rebellious, wait till you see the Gen-Y. If you feel we Gen-X are job-hopper, wait till you catch the Gen-Y.

The Gen-Y’s parents could still be the baby boomers, but why there’s such a huge difference in attitude? I don’t know, I have no idea.

I am not criticising all of the Gen-Y, there are the exceptional ones. Some of them with great attitude and they achieved big even at a young age. I admit, I’ve seen a few really talented ones and they’re already a manager before age 30. However, majority of the Gen-Y that I met, often with an attitude that I can’t bring myself to agree to.

Some of them speak like they know everything under the sun (due to the glory age of internet), but when it comes to real practising time, they fail miserably.

Some of them are really capable at work, but when it comes to interpersonal skills, they’re scoring zero.

Some of them have big dreams and wanting to reach for the sky, but they are not interested in going through rank and file.

Some of them only want BIG money, by changing jobs more often they’re hoping that they could reach where they want.

They know they’re lack of experiences, but they’re so arrogant to admit that and some even refused to learn.

Out of 10 Gen-Y that I interviewed, there are probably one that is humble and wanting to learn. The rest would give me all the reasons under the sun why they should be hired, but they speak with such arrogance that you feel like pouring cold water onto their heads to wake them up.

Some of them, even after they made a mistake, they would just stare at you blinking their eyes, they never admit their mistake! They’re like telling you, “ya, I made a mistake, so?” Some, even had the cheeks to tell you, “it’s okay lah”! I nearly fainted when I heard that. Some of them are so stubborn.

I totally understand their different perspective and attitude, what I don’t understand is their BAD attitude at work. Don’t they know what is work ethic? You may not have the relevant working experience, but what happens to your basic work ethic?

I’m not saying that the Gen-X is great, there are also the bad apples. But generally, okay lah. Kakakakaka……

Gen-Y, if you’re reading this and you disagree, it’s ok. :) After all, we just want to make the workplace a better place to work in. We are all just, EMPLOYEES.

Lost my maternal aunt when I was in college. First time experienced losing someone in the family, but I wasn’t very close to her, the heart ache was bearable. Then, lost my maternal grandfather when I was in the final year of college. Family kept it from me because I was having my exam, it was a week after the funeral only I got to know. I cried all night, most of my childhood memories consist of him. I missed his laughters, and I still miss him now. 8 years ago, lost my brother-in-law to brain tumor. I grieved for a long time. Whenever I saw my little niece, I would be overwhelmed with sadness. Until today, it is still a wonder how my sister got through those days. She told me once, if it wasn’t for her daughter, she would have ended her life.

Exactly a year after I lost my brother-in-law, I lost my grandma, whom I was very close to. The heart ache I felt, I can never describe it. I remember I found it hard to breathe when I saw her lifeless body in the hospital, I thought my heart stopped. She was in coma for 2 weeks before she passed away, but no amount of time could have prepared you for the death of someone you loved dearly. I was so full of hope that she would wake up one morning and smile at me. I still miss her, very much.

Few days ago, a friend wrote on Facebook that her friend’s husband passed away, lucky that they don’t have children but sad that how her life would go on without the husband. I often think what would I do if the same thing happens to me (touch wood). I often found myself in tears when I thought of that happening.

Now that I have my own house, only Andrew and I living in the house. His father and brother would come to stay with us a few days in a month, but most of the time it is just Andrew and myself. Andrew was not home last Saturday when I read my friend’s message on Facebook. I took a look at the empty house, I was all alone…… I thought, “this is how it feels without him”. I suddenly felt the loneliness and it was so overwhelming that I thought I was going to die, I couldn’t breathe. So, THIS, is how it feels, lifeless and suffocating.

The moment Andrew stepped into the house, everything sprung to life again. I told Andrew what I was thinking and imagined waking up to an empty house everyday having no one to talk to, how can one survive that? I can’t. I told him that he must NOT DIE before me. Hahahaha. A very selfish request, but a serious one.

People always say, we have to be strong for the ones who got left behind. What if, there is no one worth to be strong for? Guess I’ll pack my bag, and go see the world, with the loved ones in my heart. They shall see the world through my eyes then. To avoid waking up to an empty house too.

They say, fear no death.

I say, fear death, for I want to make everyday count.

Today, is a gift of yesterday, it is PRESENT.

Bullying, as explained in Wikipedia:

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.^[2][3] The “imbalance of power” may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a “target”.

Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways.

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, words can be as harmful as knives.

Recalling the experiences…… I had this close girlfriend, who constantly told me that I was such a “princess”. She would tell me that I was such a princess to be so scared to go into the water near the waterfall which was nothing dangerous at all. She would say that she didn’t understand why I needed to feel so disgusted when I saw cockroaches on Fear Factor because I wasn’t the one who had to go through it all. She would tell me that she didn’t understand why I had to “analyse” so much before doing everything. Constantly, she was telling me I was behaving like a princess and it got on her nerves. She would say it in front of other friends and there was once it got back to my ears that she told others the same behind my back. She told people it was a nuisance to travel together with me. She was a sweet girl nonetheless.

After college, we remained friends for some time. She and I didn’t keep in touch as often as before. When we went shopping, she would tell me she was not as “rich” as me to shop in certain malls or shops. Our final trip together turned out to be an unhappy one. We did not quarrel nor argue, but things happened. I told myself that that would be the last time I’d ever travel together with her, and that was it. Back then, I thought I was the sensitive one, and I would ask myself the same questions over and over again. Sometimes I would even turn to Andrew and ask if I was such a bad person to deserve all those remarks for all those years. Came my wedding, her behavior put me off big time and I know I had to stop befriending her. Even my family found her behavior odd.

I’ve tried very hard to change myself too. Spent nearly 2 years to overcome the thought of I-am-not-good. Come to think of it, I have to thank her. Without her, I wouldn’t be a BETTER person now.

Not everyone is as lucky as I am, to have a good support system and guidance during the journey of recovering from being bullied. Also, not everyone has a mind of their own to judge things objectively and come out from a dilemma. I am grateful that I have a family who always tells me that I am a kind person and Andrew who is always there to analyse things and reason them for me. My analysing ability has also helped me in seeing things from another perspective, not to limit myself to just one point of view for the longest of time.

I’m sure we all have been bullied, serious or not, at some point in our life. In school, college, university, and even workplace. It depends on how you react or respond to them. From the lessons I’ve learned, I am now capable of handling bullies in the workplace.

No matter how strong you are, have you been bullied before?