Feeling very emotional now……
Find it hard to believe that I’m moving on to another phase in life. I am so not ready for this. I guess I will only be ready when the moment comes.
The uncertainties are killing me. I have never felt so afraid before.
I feel so overwhelmed just by looking at all the stuff.
Excited? No. That’s not what I feel, please stop telling it’s exciting.
The only comfort I have is, Andrew is in this together. Although sometimes he can’t feel what I feel and he certainly can’t understand why I’m feeling this way, at least he has let me know I’m not alone.
Life will not be the same anymore……
I hope the love I have for her will be able to help me go through all this.
How are you doing?
I hope you both are doing great.
I hope you have found each other and keep each other company.
Mommy miss you.
I still feel sad whenever I think of the miscarriages. Especially the second time. Sometimes I would think, if I went to see Dr. Suhaimi earlier, would things be different? I know no point of thinking about that now, I just can’t help it.
It’s been 2 years since the first, and the second since last October. This year, October went past without me realising it’s been another year. Luckily, this year October went without drama.
Whatever happened, it happened for a reason.
Today, I think of them a lot……
I have a valid license, driving license that is. However, I don’t drive. “You must be kidding, Ashley! What for you got a driving license then?” You know, just in case the need arises. :P Got it 8 years ago.
I don’t have my own car, Andrew does. He has been the one chauffeuring me around. So, yes, we spend a lot of time together other than at home. Another good thing is, we work in the same area. That is the reason why we don’t need a second car. We both know how burden it is to have 2 cars.
A lot of people are saying that I am lucky that I do not have to drive, and I have a 24-hour chauffeur to drive me around wherever I want.
Well, I never complain. I never find it troublesome to not have my own car. Even when Andrew can’t drive me, I find my ways. Taxi, LRT, bus…… There are times that I find it ridiculous for him to drive me all the way to somewhere and he has to go home on his own, I’ll tell him to just drop me at the nearest LRT station. Sometimes, he will insist to send me to my destination. I don’t argue, I just let him do what makes him happy.
I’ve tried to drive on my own, but he doesn’t trust my skill. :P He’d rather to chauffeur me than see his car got scratched and bumped. Hahaha. I’m not a bad driver, I just need time to get used to his car. The less I practice, the less likely I can drive! And guess what, I learned all my driving skills from him. So, who to blame?
About the point that I am lucky, is very subjective you see.
He’s willing to drive me around, he never complains. The only time he complained was to urge me to get my driving license, “just in case” he said.
He’s worried about my safety too. There used to be times I called him for help because I couldn’t get a taxi from a secluded place.
That is just his way of taking care of his wife.
By the way, my mom doesn’t drive too, and she doesn’t even have a driving license. My father has been the one who drives her around ever since they married. I never heard my father complained, except that he hates to wait. :) Andrew’s mom doesn’t drive too, and she too doesn’t have a driving license. Hahaha. But she does have a motorbike license, she rides motorbike to work, other time father-in-law will be the one who drives her around.
So, it is not that I am lucky that I have a “driver”. He is just, being a husband.
P.S.: When I need to go out and Andrew can’t send me, I’d take public transport. Very often, I would work around his availability. I don’t depend on him, I merely believe that he would want me to ask him first before I work out other options. Also, we always do things together, even buying groceries. :)
Saw this article on Women’s Health FB page and out of curiosity, I read it. They’re pretty hilarious and TRUE.
1. So, when are you going to have kids?
This is what I get the most! I know it’s the society norm to get married and have kids, but it is not an absolute thing that a married couple MUST do. I don’t know why people like to ask this question as if it has anything to do with them whether or not I have kids!
2. What’s it like?
When I just got married, people (single especially) around me liked to ask, “so, how is married life?” Seriously, are you really interested to know?
3. You’re different now.
I often got comments like this when I cracked a joke or when I UNDERSTAND some dirty jokes. “Whoa, now that you’re married you’re totally different! Hey, you talk different after you’re married! Oooohhhh, someone’s become naughty after she got married.” –___– Give me a break!
4. When are you changing your name?
Lucky I never get this.
5. Are you going to buy a house?
I got this very often too. Trust me, they never stopped asking until the day I put my down-payment on the house. And after that, the question changed to, “when are you moving to your new house? Are you going to renovate it big time?” @__@
6. What do you think of your in-laws?
What I got is, “how are you getting with your in-laws? Good? Are they good people?” Really, I don’t see how it concerns you. If it’s my parents and close friends who genuinely care, I don’t mind.
7. Do you ever get sick of each other?
Andrew and I are very much in love, I can’t speak on his behalf but I know I always like to be together with him. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I will always like to go and do it with him. When people know that we’re two love birds who can’t separate from each other, they often ask me, “C’mon, you’ll have to be more independent. Aren’t you sick of seeing each other everyday? Don’t you need some alone time?” Yes, we do, we don’t go to the toilet together. ARGH!
8. I could never get married.
No, no one has said this to me.
9. You wouldn’t understand: You’re married.
Yes, someone used to say this to me A LOT. Like the writer said, it’s like I’ve been married since the day I was born and I was never single. When I was single and didn’t have a boyfriend, the same person used to say “you wouldn’t understand: You’re never in love”.
10. Is he your best friend?
I only have people asking me, “do you tell him everything? Do you keep secrets from him? Oh, you do tell him everything. So, he’s your best friend huh?” DUH!
The recent “Soup Kitchens Ban” news spread like wildfire.
I am aware that there are a lot volunteers out there feeding the homeless, my colleague is one of them. When I heard “some” minister cleverly suggested to ban soup kitchens just because he thinks it’s not good for the city image, I was shock.
Our city image, not just tarnished by the homeless and beggars, but also by a bunch of people who do not know how to manage the city!
If stop feeding the homeless can really get rid of the homeless problem, I think we should stop paying salaries to the government servants and make them all volunteers to curb corruptions. Isn’t that the same theory?
Also, the homeless now at least get one proper meal (and it’s not a luxury 3-course meal) in a day, if no helps come their way in the future, who knows they may get desperate and start robbing or stealing just to get a meal to live on. The government is already not helping these people, and now they want to ban volunteers from lending a helping hand? Worse, punish the person who helps.
Andrew has always been a kind soul to people who need helps. He would always give a dollar or two to those who asked, but he doesn’t just give to anyone that comes. He’s very good in observing. We used to bump into a man with his wife in a restaurant asking for donation, Andrew has given him money a few times. One day I asked him, “the man is clearly capable of working, why do you still give him money?” “Did you see the wife? She doesn’t look mentally healthy, and you look at the man’s shirt and hands, the fingers and nails are all dirty and black, obviously he has a job, some hard labor maybe. I think he needs extra money for the wife’s medical expenses.” I was so touched and surprised that he could see so much that I didn’t. From that moment onwards, I’ve told myself to see beyond. I would also love to teach my children (not just my own, my friends’, my nephews and nieces, any child) to always be kind like Andrew but see beyond and know when to help.
If at all we were banned (and fined) from helping the needy, how on earth am I supposed to teach my children in the future?
NO! You can’t help them, you’ll get fined!
NO! You shouldn’t give them food or money, the police will fine you!
“But mom, the books and teachers told us we have to be kind and help those in need.”
What will the world become without empathy and kindness? Everyone will be so selfish.
I seriously don’t want my children to live in that kind of world.
I have been writing (I mean typing) a lot, but posted nothing. Every time when I was half way through, I read from the top and I deleted everything. What crap I wrote. I seriously don’t know what’s going on with me, I can’t write like I used to.
I’ve been reading, but I don’t get inspired to write.
I’ve been watching movies, but I don’t feel the urge to blog about them.
I’ve been living (yes, of course!), but I don’t feel the energy to write about my life anymore.
I’ve been working and challenges never stop, but I don’t dwell on them anymore.
A lot of things happened, but I just can’t seem to put them into words.
I have thought of a lot of things that I could write, but when my fingers lingering on the keyboard and eyes looking at this white space, everything just goes out the window.
It’s getting worse lately, I am so lazy to write, or even think. I’d rather be a couch potato watching television shows all day. Sigh……
I need motivation……
How many people have reminded me that my clock is ticking…… My biological clock that is…… More precise, “you’re not young anymore Ashley, when are you going to have a baby?”
However, I think people got bored of asking me that question already. :) I get lesser of that nowadays. Friends have stopped asking actually. Perhaps they know what I have gone through and they know by asking the question again would have brought up some unhappy memories. My family has too stopped asking me that. They know very well whatever my decision is, I have my reason and they understand. Only a few will still ask me the question when they see me, but they don’t bother me because they’re not important to me.
When I see a baby, I will go “awww…… Look at her/him, so cute!” When I remember the time taking care of my niece, I will go “OMG!!! Can’t she just sit still?! Can’t I have 5 minutes of me time?! Milk again?! Didn’t she just eat?! Potty!!!” I faint. Of course, there are times that she will be real sweet and cute and behave herself.
I must say that I got very selfish now. I’ve been enjoying the freedom far too long and I now don’t seem to know how to share my time with others. I freak out the moment I realise there won’t be any TV time at night when I get home from work. My head spins a little when I think of the time I’ll be spending in doing all the washing and changing diapers. Also, I don’t get to watch movies whenever I feel like, I won’t have time for Andrew and he won’t have more time for me, we won’t be holding hands when we go out anymore because we will be pushing the stroller and carrying the bag, we can’t travel together anymore without having to worry and care for another person…… I am selfish, I want Andrew all to myself. I can’t even imagine sharing him with my own child. @__@ Having a child is a lifetime commitment, there won’t be an end to it……
The question of to have a child or not, has again come to the surface. I love babies but I just don’t think I can take care of one. Yes, you may tell me the mother instinct will kick in when you have a child. Yes, you will tell me the baby’s smile will worth all the hardships that you’ll have to go through. I know, I know all of that very well. However, I have doubt in myself. And yes, you will tell me everyone has doubt in themselves until they have their own child.
What is the purpose of having a child?
Is it wrong to not have a child?
I am not sure of what to do now. To have, or not to have?
Andrew said, let the nature take its course.
I can’t. I’m not one who doesn’t plan and leave everything to nature’s hands.
Your clock is ticking, Ashley. It is ticking……