Have you told your loved ones lately that you love them?
Friends, family, partner, co-workers, pets……
About a month ago, one of my long-time internet chat friends, lost her battle to dengue fever. When another mutual chat friend told me the news, I didn’t want to believe it. It was early in the morning and I was on my way to work. I thought he was joking and it wasn’t funny. “Check her Facebook, Ashley”, he said. I checked her Facebook, I was shocked to see people leaving messages telling her how much they miss her and all the rest in peace messages. I felt surreal. How could she be dead? It’s gotta be a mistake…… I did not want to believe that she’s gone. It was when I reached the office that the reality started to set in. Then the first thing that came to my mind was, I did not tell her that I love her and she’s always been a great friend. Now, I don’t have the chance to tell her that anymore.
That day onwards, I’ve been telling people around me that I love them. If something happens to me, at least they know that I love them.
My heart aches so much for the missing MH370. It hits so close to heart that I’ve been secretly swallowing my tears whenever I think of it. I can only imagine how hard it is for the family members.
Have you told your loved ones lately that you love them?
I know exactly what my strengths and weaknesses are. I have a not-so-cool temper (which has become better these days) and I can be blunt at times.
When someone keeps telling me over and over again that I am “too sensitive”, I started to question myself. All my life before I met this person, no one has ever told me that I am too sensitive.
When I started questioning myself, I also started to find answers. I found out that, I am not the one who is sensitive. That person who told me that I am is actually the one who’s always being too sensitive to everything I say and do. He/she is the one who always misunderstands what I say or do and then replies with something hurtful, and then goes on and calls me being “too sensitive” when I react. What? Am I supposed to take all the crap that you give me and I’m not allowed to even flinch?
I don’t get sensitive when I’m around others, others don’t tell me that I am sensitive. Only this particular person who is constantly telling me and others that I am “TOO SENSITIVE”.
I was so curious and I Google-d what actually being “too sensitive” means. Found this that explains so well, Been Told You’re “Too Sensitive”?
Your boundaries are your boundaries. It’s not up to anyone else to tell you about your own comfort levels or ‘correct’ them to fit around their own agenda.
Your feelings are your feelings. Some people aren’t bothered by certain things but that doesn’t invalidate your position. And yes, some people aren’t bothered by certain things because they have empathy issues so as long as they ‘feel’ (they’re not tapping into many emotions) OK with something and like their perspective, they won’t understand what you’re ‘in a flap’ about.
I have made a lot of changes to myself lately. Especially at work. I am happier and more of myself when I’m at work now. I never thought that just by being myself can be so liberating, and happy. I finally came to accept that those who can’t accept me even when I was trying very hard to please, will never accept me for who I am. Surprisingly, when I show the real me, those who didn’t agree with me in the past are actually the ones who noticed the change and started to embrace the real me. The happiest thing is not that I’ve changed to become a better person, it is when I heard “Ashley, I changed because you changed”. Now I understand it is so important for me to be myself and not trying to please people.
I know clearly that I am not a “too sensitive” person because when I’m around my other friends and family, I can tell them exactly what they have offended me and they will explain to me and they never for once say that I am being “too sensitive”. They acknowledge what I’m feeling!
For those that still think I’m “too sensitive”, take a mirror and look at yourself. Who’s the one being too sensitive here?
Oh wait, if I say the statement above, I will become a nasty abuser and all of a sudden I am not “too sensitive” anymore but rude and disrespectful. Sigh……
My motto now is, stop pleasing everyone, and start being REAL. Just be nice and true to yourself.
Being human, that’s saying we don’t live alone.
There may be a few exceptional cases, but generally, we humans like to be associated with a certain group of people. We often seek to be part of a group and we always hope to be accepted by the group of people that we want to be with.
I have always desired to be accepted by the people that I want to be with. I try to fit in, adapt and change. I am always a follower. I always agree to what others say, so that I can be seen as part of the group and I so hope that I would be part of the group.
Is it because of my background and upbringing? I am not too sure. I just have this strong desire to be with people. I can do a lot of things alone and I don’t feel lonely. However when it comes to friends and work, I realised I have always wanted to be accepted by people. I don’t want to be seen as a lone ranger.
Recently, things change. I, change.
Things started to change few years ago, but now I have finally come to terms with the cold hard fact. The fact that, not everyone can accept me for who I really am. The fact that, all they want is for me to become like one of them. The fact that, they dislike the real me.
I have always believed that I could become someone better, someone that everyone likes. I couldn’t bear the thought of being disliked. I have always wanted to make things right when I came to know that someone dislikes me. I tried to improve and I did improve. I didn’t realise what I was doing was merely putting my real me to sleep. It was like playing as another person.
Sometimes, I felt I was accepted. I finally belonged to the “group”. However, when they still left you out, when you were still the last person on their mind, when they did not care how you feel, when it is always them you have to please…… It just hurts so much when you thought you were accepted by people only to find out you were actually not.
I could continue playing that person, if only people around me could accept me. It was never good enough. I, was never good enough. No matter how much I tried, how much I changed, people don’t seem to accept me. Not completely.
It got me thinking…… Ashley, do you need to please everybody just so that they accept you? Are you happy pleasing everybody except yourself? Are you happy playing someone that you are not? Will you be happy if they accept you completely? Is that the real you that they accept?
That’s the time I realised, I was constantly playing a different person. And I wasn’t happy. I was not me.
I missed my old self. That fearless, cheerful and confident ME.
I have decided, nothing and no one is more important than me myself. I have to take care of myself because if I don’t, no one will.
I am sick of saying yes all the time and I am tired of following someone else’s wish.
If someone doesn’t care about me or how I feel, so be it. It doesn’t concern me anymore.
If someone is not pleased with what I say and do, so be it. I’m not going to try to explain anymore.
Yes, it is time, to fly solo.
I don’t belong to the flock, and I never will. I never could.
Suddenly, I am happy once more. I am alone, but I am not lonely.
It’s so liberating to finally be myself, the real me.
P.S.: I only have a handful of friends that I am close to. I don’t see them very often, but they are the true friends that really let me be myself when I’m with them. I don’t please them, I merely enjoy the time spent with them. They accept me for who I am. They listen and they don’t judge. I was so sad when some people around me kept telling me that they’re my friends and yet they went on to judge me and gossip about me behind my back. That’s the time I learnt that I have to ditch the flock. The good thing about them is, they helped me grow. I gotta admit that without them, I wouldn’t realise how silly I was.
If the first pregnancy went smoothly, I would be celebrating my Christmas this year with my baby.
If the second one went smoothly, I would now be celebrating my Christmas with a big bundle of joy.
Seriously, festive seasons only make you miss the loved ones you lost, MORE.
Babies, are you celebrating Christmas together in heaven?
Time flies, it’s been two months. My body is still healing from the miscarriage. My heart, still aches sometimes.
I feel a lot more guilty this time, because I seem to be coping very well with the loss. I feel that I didn’t mourn the unborn child enough. The feeling of guilt is so strong now. Someone in a pregnancy forum told me, moving on faster this time doesn’t mean I love it any lesser. However, I feel terrible.
I don’t want to forget. I force myself to remember it every 23rd of the month. I would count, one month, two months. Subconsciously, I will try to make it difficult for myself.
I have thought of getting myself pregnant soon, but I know that is not what I want.
I too have thought of giving up on having a child, knowing that Andrew would not mind.
But it is just so not me to give up something so easily. Especially when I know I have not done my best.
Having a child has never been the priority in my life. I’m not sure if I should make it one now.
P.S.: I would be 5 months pregnant now if I did not miscarry……
I’ve always heard people said, “I don’t know what to get her this Christmas, she’s got everything”.
People who said that, obviously have not bought a gift for a man before. I think!
It always puzzles me when people said that. If you’re really out of idea, just a cosmetic/skincare/bodycare gift box would really make her grinning from ear to ear.
A woman would never complain she has too many bottle of perfume.
A man though can be very choosy for the scent.
A woman would never say no to jewellery.
A man though doesn’t usually wear jewellery!
A woman would always be happy to receive flowers.
A man though doesn’t seem to appreciate the beauty of flowers.
A woman would be happy to receive soft toys.
A man though doesn’t like to be associated with anything fluffy and cute.
A woman doesn’t mind to have an extra purse.
A man though carries one wallet until it’s torn.
I’ve thought of pen. Nope, he doesn’t carry one around.
How about wallet? No, the one he’s using is still new.
Shoes? Sorry, I will have to bring him there for fitting. So, no.
Shades? He doesn’t wear them, and he lost the Armani pair that his brother gave him all because he rarely wore them and he forgot where he put. -__-
Gadgets? Toys? They’re too expensive. He’s into remote control helis and stuff, but they’re so bloody expensive. He likes the new Play Station 4, again, it is damn expensive. You have no idea. He doesn’t simply splurge, but he has expensive taste. @__@
Watch then. I know he likes one of the G-Shock watches, but it’s so expensive! And I think I’ll save that for his birthday.
Think I’m left with clothes and perfume. SIGH…………………………
Now, don’t ever tell me it is easier to buy gift for a man!
Ashley, is a pretty common name I would say. When someone tells you his/her name is Ashley, the spelling that comes to mind would be either Ashley, Ashlee, Ashlea, Ashlie, or even Ashleigh.
However, I know for some people, to pronounce Ashley is a chore. That’s because right after you make the “O” from pronouncing the “Ash”, you have to immediately pull your lips back to pronounce the “lee”. Some may even have problem saying the “sh”. So, the name will sound like “Asley”. @__@
Ashley, isn’t my Christian name since I’m not a Christian. It is a name which I gave myself when I started college because the tutors and lecturers couldn’t pronounce my Chinese name correctly. Mind you, my Chinese name isn’t too difficult to pronounce and I have no idea why a lot of people always couldn’t get it right! Little did I know some people would still have problem pronouncing Ashley. T__T
Over the years, I’ve received emails from people addressing me “AshEly”. I’m not sure if it was a typo or what. My email address clearly states “ASHLEY”, but they would always write “AshEly”! With the “E” in front of “L”! Always! Something wrong with their eyes?????????
Fine, I could take “Ashely” as a typo. How about “Ashly”? Where’s my “E”???!!! Again, do they have problem reading email address? Not just once, emails after emails with my signature at the bottom which says “ASHLEY”, they insist to address me as “Ashly”. I bet they must be starving to have eaten the “E”.
Then, I have people writing to me and addressing me as “Asly”. @__@ You must have noticed. “Ashley” got shorter and shorter. I totally understand, “Asly” way much easier to pronounce. However, I don’t remember pronouncing my name as “Asly” when I talk to people. I know how people could have missed the “sh”, I always emphasize on pronouncing “Ae-ssshhh-lee”. There is no way one could miss the “sh”! Sigh……
The most recent one, and it didn’t happen just once, but twice! In Starbucks! Seriously, I’m wondering if Starbucks management gave all their staffs a list of names to be written on the cups whenever they hear such names from their customers. I happily told them my name is “Ashley” when they asked for it. What appeared on my cups was this:
This isn’t the first time I got “Esly” from Starbucks. The previous time I didn’t bother to take picture of it. -__- “ESLY”!!! Why “Esly”?! My pronunciation can’t be that bad! Or people nowadays pronounce “Esly” with the “ash”? @__@
My friend then showed me a link that “Starbucks Employees Can’t Spell Names Well“. It was horrendous! I feel sorry for those people! Then I thought, would the employees have done it on purpose? You certainly know what vagina and anus are! Suddenly, “Esly” seems so much better.
I have also heard some people pronounce “Ashley” as “Asli”, which is the same pronunciation for “orang asli” (which means native)! T__T Some would even make fun of it by saying, “Asli??? Orang asli ke awak ni???” And they laughed. *Cries* Why like that????
I can only blame myself…… SIGH. –_____–
I believe most of us know him from The Fast and The Furious. He was a young lad back then. It was only few months ago that we’ve seen Fast & Furious 6. Now, he’s gone.
Few days ago, I woke up to my Facebook flooded with the bad news. I didn’t want to believe it, I went Google to see if it was a hoax. I was hoping very hard that it was just another hoax that people created. This time, Google disappoints me. The news was already on BBC, it wasn’t a hoax. Within minutes, my Facebook was flooded with pictures of him.
I don’t know why this time a celebrity’s death could make me feel so sad. I was sad when Michael Jackson died, but not like this. I didn’t cry, but I felt the heart-ache. I got teary looking at all the RIP messages on Facebook. It’s weird for me to feel the pain when I don’t know him at all.
Is it because I’ve seen all of the Fast & Furious series? Is it because he was too young? Or I feel sorry for him to die at the peak of his career? Or because I won’t see him in Fast & Furious anymore?
People have been saying that we only remember Paul Walker, but we forgot there’s another person who died, which was his friend, Roger Rodas. Just because he wasn’t famous, nobody seems to notice. According to the website, he was only 38, even younger than Paul Walker.
A lot have also said that Paul Walker was only an average man you could find off the street and he didn’t deserve what he was having. Well…… To me, he was still a great actor and someone who did his part to make the world a better place.
Are good people destined to die young?
Too young. Too soon.
Picture from Facebook
To return the favor, it could be either good or bad.
We are taught to return the favor when someone helps us. We are never taught to return the favor when someone is mean to us, or we call it revenge. It is always said that revenge only makes you feeling even more bitter, makes you a hater. Even if you manage to return the favor, you can’t undo what is done.
Unlike returning a good deed, others feel happy and you feel happier. Returning the favor should be a circle, it goes round and round, on and on, it should never stop. We often feel elated when we help someone and the world could always use an extra helping hand.
We are also told that to treat people how you would want to be treated, never do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you. Recently, I saw the photo below on Facebook and I laughed. I laughed, and I concurred.
When the other person doesn’t really care about me, I feel that it is only wasting time to continue to show that I care. Someone said, keep showing them the love since they may need it. Hell with that. I’m not a saint. I can’t love someone who constantly treats me like a doormat. I may or may not return the favor, but I will certainly distant myself from that person, either physically or emotionally.
A very simple rule, you treat me nice, and I’ll treat you the same. When you are mean to me, please don’t expect me to be an angel. When I turn my back on you, you should know damn well that it is time for you to walk out of my life. Don’t go around telling others how I have failed you, remember, it works both way.
Have you ever revenged? Was it really “sweet revenge”?
When I was reading Dan’s blog, We Shouldn’t Be Friends by Any Account, the people that came to my mind were them:
More often than not, we make most of our friends when we are in school. Those friends, are our classmates, also partners in crimes, and friends. When we go to college, we make new friends too, if you’re lucky. When we start working, we have co-workers/colleagues, some of these people become our friends too. You see, the places where we make new friends, are pretty much, predictable. Of course, there are examples of making new friends over the internet and some other strange places. For me, I met this bunch of incredible people in a wedding forum.
It started with us ladies, planning our weddings. We needed information, where else to go to when the world wide web is the easiest and fastest way. We joined this wedding forum, we exchanged ideas, information, advices, thoughts, opinions, jokes, tears…… Five of us, got especially close to each other. Why? I don’t know.
Then, it blossomed into real-life friends. We met up, with the rest of the bride-to-be’s. However, five of us would meet more frequent. We even had our own chat group on MSN and every night we would gather at 8pm or 9pm and chat. We talked about everything under the sky and we laughed at almost every joke.
In between, things happened. Can’t remember what exactly, I’d like to think that’s just how things work.
First, it was only us, the ladies. We’re not really close in age. Our age gap is in between 3 to 6 years. We also come from different places and we were brought up in different culture. We are actually very different. Somehow, we click. Not in a million years I thought I could be friends with them.
Melissa, aka Mel Mel, is the “gentle” one among us. She laughs, she jokes, she talks, but she’s never loud. Once in a while she will say something that crack all of us up big time. She LOVES food, and she doesn’t like HOT. However, she would go under the hot sun for food. Hahahahaha. Usually, I will snort at this sort of “puteri lilin”. C’mon lah, you’re living in Malaysia, if you can’t stand the sun and hot weather, where else can you go? But, we are still friends. The rest of us will always make fun of her “puteri lilin” side, but she’s cool with that.
Wan Yi, we call her “Ah Yi” most of the times. :P She has the loudest laugh!!! When she gets excited, she will laugh so loud that we all at one point think the walls are going to collapse! She’s the youngest among us, we all sometimes treat her like lil’ sister. She is Singaporean. You know, I’m very sceptical towards Singaporean. I usually can’t stand them. To top that, Wan Yi is so much younger than me, she’s even younger than my younger sister. I don’t always click with “small” sister. But well, we are still friends. She has a big heart, she can take whatever crap this BIG sister throws at her. :p
There’s Nicole, we nicknamed her “Ah Nic”. She can cook and bake good stuff! We used to go to her home and eat! Hahahaha. And Wii-ing together. I don’t see her as often as the rest, but we still keep in touch. She will always make effort to meet us. I don’t usually have a lot to talk to friends that I don’t see regularly. You know, that awkward moment when you meet a friend that you didn’t see for a long time, you go “hello, how are you”, and the silence that follows…… Somehow, Nicole is an exception.
Honestly, they’re not exactly the type of friends I would be seen associated with if you look at my personality. However, it turned out that they’re the closest friends that I now have. We don’t get jealous of each other, we don’t badmouth each other, we don’t lie to each other…… We agree, but we also disagree. We have good and bad times, but our hearts still bring us together. I guess Dan is true in saying, friends just kind of “happen.”
Over the time, we include our husbands. Surprisingly, our husbands get along just fine. We often go out and travel together. We don’t really care how much the other person is earning and the background, so long as we are happy together.
Friends, may not always be there. So, be grateful when they are.
I used to have a lot of friends, good friends, best friends…… Most of them are history now. I wish someone could have told me when I was much younger that true friends show up only when you’re in trouble. That would have prepared me for all the heartaches.
A while back, someone on Facebook shared Dan Pearce’s blog post on 25 more of the Creepiest Things Ever Said by Kids. I’ve been following his blog ever since.
Today, I read this, Pulled from the Truth Box – Week 29.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” ~Philo of Alexandria
He started the post with the above. How apt.
I was surprised and sad that people are not what we think they are. They are going through things which we would never have thought. We only see things on the surface and we make our own judgements and assumptions from that. How shallow we are.
We often want others to understand what we are going through, but we fail to understand what others are really going through. We see a happy face that someone puts up, immediately we think that he is fine now and everything is back to normal again. We fail to recognise the fact that it is so easy to hide our true emotions or secrets if we really try.
Look at those confessions, some of them clearly need help. However, no one can help them if they continue to keep their secrets, a secret. Why is it so hard for someone to say that they need help? Are people around them so cruel that they refuse to help? I can’t imagine what they are going through…… It must be very difficult to hide all of it and show the opposite. No wonder the rate of suicide is so high. :(
I too hide things, especially from my colleagues. They don’t know what I’m going through in life. They hardly know me, except the part of me that they see at work. I don’t hide my true self from them on purpose, it’s just that I see no need to show them that side of me.
I have one confession that I would like to make here, in the blogosphere, to the whole world.
What everyone thinks is true:
I am a strong and confident person that I can take any challenge life throws at me.
What actually is true:
I don’t want the world to see me cry, so I cry in the bathroom when I’m tired of pretending that I am strong.
Don’t be disturbed by what I wrote above. I am perfectly fine.
Now, people, don’t go and judge someone when you don’t know the story behind. Remember, you can hurt someone badly when he’s already so wounded. “We all are fighting our own great battles”, be kind to everyone.
Few days ago, I saw a few of my friends on Facebook sharing and agreeing to this blog post by Seth Adam Smith, Marriage Isn’t For you. I read through, and I can’t seem to bring myself to agree with him like the rest.
Most of the times, we ask ourselves, why do I want to marry him/her? The answers, would always come to this, “I love her so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with her building our own family”. This statement alone, is a selfish one. Selfish, yet loving.
The moment someone decides to marry someone, that, is already a selfish decision. Marriage, is a promise to be loyal and faithful to one person till the day you die. By marrying someone, you are asking the other person to give up other courters now and in the future. Isn’t that selfish?
Marriage, is also a commitment. You commit to love and care for each other. We expect love and care from our spouse, because it works both ways. We walk into this marriage knowing very well that the other person will love and care for us, and vice versa. So, isn’t that selfish?
Most of us (if not all of us), married for love. We have heard or read many stories that couples went against their parents to marry someone that they truly love. That, is selfish, isn’t it?
“Love is about the person you love.” Yes, of course it is. Don’t we all know that? However, if loving someone doesn’t make me happy anymore, why should I continue to love selflessly? Love, is a two way street. Now, isn’t that selfish?
In the process of making someone happy, I hope that I will feel happy too. If I feel miserable while making my spouse feeling happy, what is the point? I certainly do not wish Andrew to feel miserable too while making me feel happy. We do things that make both of us happy. Well, from the look of it, isn’t that selfish?
To me, marriage is for US. So yes, marriage is for YOU.
It is not about family, or our future children. It is for me, right here, right now. I may not have children, but I know for sure I want this marriage to last as long as it can possibly last. As long as I can love, I will love. As long as I am happy to make him happy, I will give. As long as he is happy to make me happy, I will receive.
Marriage is selfish, because it is about the two persons who love each other, ONLY.
Marriage is selfish, because two persons have to compromise to make it work.
Marriage is selfish, because it is a journey of constant efforts that two persons have to make.
Marriage is for US, and only us. If you are not ready to love, compromise and work, then marriage isn’t for you.
Hong Lagoon, Krabi, 2013
P.S.: Haven’t we always heard, you have to learn to love yourself before you learn how to love others better? Love is selfish. It is an act that we do, hoping that we would earn the love from another person. I love myself. That means I will only love someone who will love me in return. I love myself enough to know that I shouldn’t love someone who can’t love me in return. Only our parents and God love us selflessly.
At this age, I am still learning how to be more sensitive towards the feelings of others. At the same time, not to be overly sensitive over what insensitive people say and do.
Well, we are only human beings. We have feelings, and we feel hurt. We can’t help it, even when we keep telling ourselves “don’t”.
It still beats me to this day that why some people can be so insensitive. No, they are sensitive too, but they are insensitive towards others’ feelings.
These people, they do not like being questioned by others. However, they enjoy asking the same questions to others and causing pain. Here’s the example:
Miss X: Hey, when are you going to have your own baby? What are you waiting for? You’re not that young anymore, you know.
Miss Y: I think it’s none of your business. (Feeling sore and miserable by the questions.)
Miss Y: Hey, when are you going to have your own baby? What are you waiting for? You’re not that young anymore, you know.
Miss Z: Ermm…… I’m trying……
Miss X: When are you getting married? You two have been together for so long, it’s time, you know.
Miss Y: Well, he has yet to ask me to marry him. (Feeling more upset that Miss X pointed out the fact.)
Miss Y: When are you getting married? You two have been together for so long, it’s time, you know.
Miss Z: Ermm…… Soon……
They feel the pain of their own, yet they go on to cause the same pain on others. Why on earth would someone who is feeling the pain hurt another person to feel the pain too? What human beings are they? Don’t they know you “do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you”???? Is this some sort of revenge for what they’re going through? Or are they happier to see others suffer???
Just recently, I was craving for cakes and I wrote on my Facebook wall that I lost my appetite on food except cakes. Some commented that I am pregnant to have such cravings. Since when food cravings are limited to pregnant women only, for crying out loud?! My food cravings always come and go, don’t tell me you never have food cravings even when you’re not pregnant!
You know what is the pain about asking me if I was pregnant for having such cravings? You did not know that I just had a miscarriage. You did not know what I had gone through but you brilliantly went on to ask if I was pregnant. THAT, my dear, is the pain. I don’t blame you for not knowing what I went through, I only blame you for being so insensitive to judge and assume. If I hadn’t gone through a miscarriage, I too would have felt the pain because obviously, I wasn’t pregnant. And yes, you smarty pants just rang the bell of pain for me not being able to get pregnant. You could have just told me where to find delicious cakes to curb my cravings instead of bringing up the pregnancy stuff.
I deleted my status soon after that, because I do not want to see those questions again. Once again it proved that Facebook is such an evil place. I have to keep reminding myself not to post anything too personal anymore.
Everyone makes their own choices. We don’t usually like others to probe, but please don’t go probing too. You don’t know what others are going through and even if you think you know, you may not know it all. Some questions are better left unasked. What do you get even if you know the answer??? You get absolutely nothing. So what if you know??? You feel happy or sad for them??? Then, what can you do??? Absolutely nothing. Don’t cause pain when you know you can avoid it.
Next time, before you ask that question, ask yourself, has that anything to do with you?
Oh, if your friend wants you to know, you don’t even have to ask.
P.S.: I am glad that I have a few close friends that never ever ask me when am I planning to have a baby. It isn’t that they don’t care, they just know there’s no need to ask. Aren’t you grateful to have met friends like this? These are the people that I love surrounding myself with.
Sorry for the lack of updates here. October was clearly not a good month for me. The same thing happened last year, it happened again this year. I start to hate October. I wish someone could take out October.
I thought this time would be different, because I did feel a little different. I was wrong.
I was pregnant and I miscarried. This time, it was worse. I was 10 weeks when the foetus stopped growing, and I didn’t miscarry naturally. I had to go through a D&C to get rid of the pregnancy.
It was raining, on the day I got the bad news. I couldn’t help but blamed the god, if you’ve given me this gift, why did you have to take it away? Don’t give me something and take it back later! Don’t come tell me that you’re sorry that it was not meant to be.
I went from being sad to mad. I grieved, I blamed, I wondered, and finally, I got over it. All within a week.
I was surprised that this time, I coped so well.
Sometimes, I couldn’t help but think, would things be different if I were to go to the gynae that I’m seeing now? I should have gone to this gynae instead of the other one…… I shouldn’t have waited……
Now, there is still this tiny bit of sadness in the back of my mind. Two miscarriages…… How can I not feel sad? One put me in an operating theatre for the first time in my life…… How can I ever forget that?
The bad news, the D&C, the long medical leave, the pain, the recovery…… All happened in the month of October.
Please, can someone make me forget OCTOBER?
The child, that was not meant to be. Mommy loves you and you are always in my heart. Goodbye my angel, please watch over us.
She is offended
I become speechless
I do it
She does it
I must compliment
I am angry
She calls me sensitive
She is angry
I have to say sorry
I make mistake
She says idiot
She makes mistake
I must forgive
I say no
She says stubborn
She says no
I shall be grateful
She says weird
I must agree
Not everyone understands
It is never fair
Not everyone sees
It is difficult
To be that someone
Who is always at the other end
Being told, “it is never fair”
Sometimes, I wish people would stop saying “it is never fair” to justify their unfair treatments towards others. I so wish to ask them, “can I then be unfair to you since it is never fair?”
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
It may sound absurd but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it’s not easy to be me
~ Superman, Five For Fighting
Suddenly, it just rang in my head.
It’s not easy, to be me.
I am no hero,
I am no saint.
However, it’s not easy.
I am not even trying to be perfect,
And it is already so hard.
I am not complaining.
For I know there are people,
Who are experiencing things far worse.
I am merely self-reflecting.
If everyone could treat everyone,
With real respect and love,
It would be much easier.
For all of us,
To be REAL.
You have to be real to others,
Before others can be real to you.
Photo taken by Andrew, on Samsung Galaxy S3.
I haven’t been blogging for a while.
I miss writing. I miss ME in writing. I think better and clearer when I write, and it takes things off my mind for a while. I usually return to my daily routine with a happier thought right after blogging/writing.
Not writing recently, has kind of made me sour.
Not writing means I don’t spend time to gather my thoughts. They are everywhere and because of that, I sulk very often lately.
I think a lot about work, until I couldn’t find my way out. I am still figuring what I should do next. I’ve sort of given myself another 2 years, but I am not happy with that. I am so tired of giving myself another year and another year, and keep telling myself things will get better. In fact, I am so tired of giving myself excuses.
I want to find my passion in doing something again. I need to find that spark again, so that I can move on instead of standing here. I hate myself not being passionate about something, this is not me. I am always passionate about something and I will always find ways to achieve something. Me running in circle and see no end? This is not me, so not me.
I feel sad very easy since more than a month ago. The trip to Krabi couldn’t even lift my spirit. I did feel happy when I was on vacation, but the sadness caught up very quickly as soon as I returned. Sad about what? I am not very sure. Partly work, partly myself. I feel sad that I feel helpless. I feel sad that I am not myself. I feel sad that I am sad. There were a few times I would cry for no apparent reason.
I am very, very, very tired of playing another Ashley, the Ashley at work. Seven years, I’ve toned down a lot in terms of my temper, yet it is still not enough. People still expect me to show no temper at all, that I shouldn’t get upset of what they said to me even when it is mean. People still think that I am not good enough. They still think that I am still that stubborn cow seven years ago. They still say that I am petty and sensitive. I am known for my temper, but I am not petty and sensitive. Now you see, they say things about me. I am only human, just like every one else. I have emotions too. I am very tired of trying to be better in front of them. I am very tired that I can’t be myself in front of them. It gets to me so much now that I get really tired to talk in front of them. I am just getting extremely tired of being someone that I am not. I have cried to Andrew that why do I need to put myself so low to be accepted by others? I can’t do it. I just can’t.
All I want to be is the REAL me. I don’t think I am a bad person to deserve ill treatments and bad-mouthing. We are not perfect, I am not trying to be perfect. I am only trying to be better. How can you keep telling me that I am not perfect when you yourself are not perfect either?
How can you expect me to be emotionless when you yourself are sensitive?
How can you expect me to swallow it all when you couldn’t take it at all?
How can you expect me to be tactful when the first thing you said is already so hurtful?
How can you expect me to be truthful when you are the one who go behind my back and talk?
How can you expect me to forgive when you hold grudges?
I am only human. Don’t expect me to be all the things that you are not just because, you are not.
This is what writing does to me, I feel a little relieved now. I can now channel my negative energy somewhere else.
Tomorrow is always a new day, I always believe in that.
And tomorrow, I shall write again. :)
It’s been weeks since I last blogged.
I miss writing, I definitely do. It’s just I don’t have the luxury of time to sit and think, and reflect. I sometimes get scared that the time goes by so fast and I have not done enough to achieve what I want to achieve. Frustration is catching up real fast… and stress.
I have always pride myself for able to deal with my stress beautifully, but recently I find myself giving in to the stress easily.
I am busy at work, but not that kind of busy that I will bury myself in work until I forgot to take my lunch or having a break. However, the stress level is very high. Tasks that cannot be done within the deadlines, outstanding issues that cannot be solved within a short period of time, prolonged issues from the past that keep haunting me every now and then, ad-hoc stuffs that required more attention and time, important but not urgent tasks that need more time than the rest, ongoing projects or assignments that can’t seem to end, people problems or issues that keep creeping back, constantly on my guards for fear that someone would stab me in the back again even-though I know I did not make any mistake……
I used to be passionate about what I’m doing, but I think I lost my passion somewhere along the road.
When you give your passion and effort whole-heartedly, what you get is disappointments and frustrations all the time, you can’t help but feel demotivated. I put in more passion and effort when I feel demotivated. I fuel my motivation from inside, but now I can’t do it anymore. I feel like an empty shell that I have nothing to give anymore, and I have nothing to draw from anymore.
I don’t know where this road will take me if I continue to stay on this path……
The only thing that makes me stay on this path now is the monetary reward, nothing else.
I seriously don’t know how long I can take all this.
I am blessed with a “rounded” body and small frame (I’m not petite thought). That’s saying I don’t look fat even when I really put on weight. That’s the dangerous part. I can cheat and deceive the whole world, even myself, that I am not fat.
Everyone looks at me, and they will go, “you’re so slim!” The truth is, I don’t look fat.
Ok, I’m not fat. So Ashley, what’s the fuss over the big butt now?
Because, I am having a hard time buying new skirt and pants! That’s why!
My mom was shocked too when she took measurements of my hips, “aiyoyo! Why your butt so big?!” Excuse me, mom, you’re the one who gave me this body, remember?
No one believes me when I told them about my hips measurement, “are you serious? Do you know how to measure? Did you measure correctly? Your measuring tape has problem? You certainly don’t look that big…… Please lah, your butt is not that big lah……” :( Why in the world would I lie about that? *Cries*
People usually can’t believe that I’m wearing a size S top but a size M (sometimes size L) bottom. I now start having problem with dresses. Size S dresses can’t seem to fit my butt now and size M will be too loose on the top. :( Unless they’re made of stretchable materials. I have already sent a few of my dresses (which I bought online) for alteration. The butt fits me just fine, but I have to alter the waist. The tailor in the shop said, “you have the right butt, but small waist, that’s why”. @__@
Really, I’m not fat, but I have a BIG butt! TT___TT