Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

Thoughts & Mood

How Do I Teach My Children In The Future?

The recent “Soup Kitchens Ban” news spread like wildfire.

I am aware that there are a lot volunteers out there feeding the homeless, my colleague is one of them. When I heard “some” minister cleverly suggested to ban soup kitchens just because he thinks it’s not good for the city image, I was shock.

Our city image, not just tarnished by the homeless and beggars, but also by a bunch of people who do not know how to manage the city!

If stop feeding the homeless can really get rid of the homeless problem, I think we should stop paying salaries to the government servants and make them all volunteers to curb corruptions. Isn’t that the same theory?

Also, the homeless now at least get one proper meal (and it’s not a luxury 3-course meal) in a day, if no helps come their way in the future, who knows they may get desperate and start robbing or stealing just to get a meal to live on. The government is already not helping these people, and now they want to ban volunteers from lending a helping hand? Worse, punish the person who helps.

Andrew has always been a kind soul to people who need helps. He would always give a dollar or two to those who asked, but he doesn’t just give to anyone that comes. He’s very good in observing. We used to bump into a man with his wife in a restaurant asking for donation, Andrew has given him money a few times. One day I asked him, “the man is clearly capable of working, why do you still give him money?” “Did you see the wife? She doesn’t look mentally healthy, and you look at the man’s shirt and hands, the fingers and nails are all dirty and black, obviously he has a job, some hard labor maybe. I think he needs extra money for the wife’s medical expenses.” I was so touched and surprised that he could see so much that I didn’t. From that moment onwards, I’ve told myself to see beyond. I would also love to teach my children (not just my own, my friends’, my nephews and nieces, any child) to always be kind like Andrew but see beyond and know when to help.

If at all we were banned (and fined) from helping the needy, how on earth am I supposed to teach my children in the future?

NO! You can’t help them, you’ll get fined!

NO! You shouldn’t give them food or money, the police will fine you!

“But mom, the books and teachers told us we have to be kind and help those in need.”

What will the world become without empathy and kindness? Everyone will be so selfish.

I seriously don’t want my children to live in that kind of world.


Type-r

I have been writing (I mean typing) a lot, but posted nothing. Every time when I was half way through, I read from the top and I deleted everything. What crap I wrote. I seriously don’t know what’s going on with me, I can’t write like I used to.

I’ve been reading, but I don’t get inspired to write.

I’ve been watching movies, but I don’t feel the urge to blog about them.

I’ve been living (yes, of course!), but I don’t feel the energy to write about my life anymore.

I’ve been working and challenges never stop, but I don’t dwell on them anymore.

A lot of things happened, but I just can’t seem to put them into words.

I have thought of a lot of things that I could write, but when my fingers lingering on the keyboard and eyes looking at this white space, everything just goes out the window.

It’s getting worse lately, I am so lazy to write, or even think. I’d rather be a couch potato watching television shows all day. Sigh……

I need motivation……


Clock Is Ticking

How many people have reminded me that my clock is ticking…… My biological clock that is…… More precise, “you’re not young anymore Ashley, when are you going to have a baby?”

However, I think people got bored of asking me that question already. :) I get lesser of that nowadays. Friends have stopped asking actually. Perhaps they know what I have gone through and they know by asking the question again would have brought up some unhappy memories. My family has too stopped asking me that. They know very well whatever my decision is, I have my reason and they understand. Only a few will still ask me the question when they see me, but they don’t bother me because they’re not important to me.

When I see a baby, I will go “awww…… Look at her/him, so cute!” When I remember the time taking care of my niece, I will go “OMG!!! Can’t she just sit still?! Can’t I have 5 minutes of me time?! Milk again?! Didn’t she just eat?! Potty!!!” I faint. Of course, there are times that she will be real sweet and cute and behave herself.

I must say that I got very selfish now. I’ve been enjoying the freedom far too long and I now don’t seem to know how to share my time with others. I freak out the moment I realise there won’t be any TV time at night when I get home from work. My head spins a little when I think of the time I’ll be spending in doing all the washing and changing diapers. Also, I don’t get to watch movies whenever I feel like, I won’t have time for Andrew and he won’t have more time for me, we won’t be holding hands when we go out anymore because we will be pushing the stroller and carrying the bag, we can’t travel together anymore without having to worry and care for another person…… I am selfish, I want Andrew all to myself. I can’t even imagine sharing him with my own child. @__@ Having a child is a lifetime commitment, there won’t be an end to it……

The question of to have a child or not, has again come to the surface. I love babies but I just don’t think I can take care of one. Yes, you may tell me the mother instinct will kick in when you have a child. Yes, you will tell me the baby’s smile will worth all the hardships that you’ll have to go through. I know, I know all of that very well. However, I have doubt in myself. And yes, you will tell me everyone has doubt in themselves until they have their own child.

What is the purpose of having a child?

Is it wrong to not have a child?

I am not sure of what to do now. To have, or not to have?

Andrew said, let the nature take its course.

I can’t. I’m not one who doesn’t plan and leave everything to nature’s hands.

Your clock is ticking, Ashley. It is ticking……


Super Dry

No, I’m not talking about the brand. And NO, not about sex! (Hmm…… Maybe someday I should write something about sex. I’ve never tried writing about it. HA!)

My sense of writing is at its super low now and my creativity is super DRY!!!!!!!! Perfect timing with the water rationing recently, DRY!

I’ve picked up a new book to read, hoping that it would get me “replenished” and motivate me to write something again. ARGH! It’s not helping. I am flipping the pages merely for the fun of reading the book, my brain doesn’t seem to bother to digest and save some vocabs for use later. I really enjoy reading the book, and that’s it. Don’t ask me if I’ve learned a new word or two from it. No, I’ve NOT. :(

Watching movies doesn’t make me think or reflect too.

Reading blogs doesn’t seem to do the trick too.

Listening to stories doesn’t motivate me to write something about it too.

What happened lah????!!!!!!! I have actually written a few blog posts but I stop half way on all of them…… Half way through, I felt that I was writing rubbish. LOL!

Don’t worry, I am not abandoning my blog.


I Need Hope

It’s beyond words…… I can’t believe that I’m reliving the pain and heartache…… For people that I don’t personally know.

In the past, I only felt a brief moment of sadness when I heard a plane crashed. This time, it is my country’s airline…… It is so close to home and heart. 239 lives…… I feel more than just pain……

We all went from hopeful, to now hopeless. That is the hardest part, to accept the fact that all hopes are gone now. Miracles will not happen.

For a stranger like me to feel so much, it must be overwhelming and so hard for the family members……

Anger will come…… It is part of the process of grieving…… Our government better be prepared to provide answers. People, will not take ambiguity and avoidance anymore.

If the debris confirmed to be of the MH370, I will feel angry too……

Why did it turn back? Why did it end up in the Indian Ocean? Why didn’t someone pick up anything on the radar? Why was the communication system deliberately turned off? Why would someone do such thing? Why didn’t the government tell us earlier? Why waited for so long?

I need to feel hopeful again.


Writing Ain’t Easy, But It’s Fun

Generally, I love to write. Most of the times, I express myself better in writing.

Recently I just have this crazy desire to write story…… Or I should say I have always been wanting to try writing a story. I’ve been writing about myself and what is happening in my life. I have not really tried writing a fictional story.

I’m a person who likes to dream. I’m not talking about those goals that I would like to achieve. I’m talking about daydreaming, imagining and let the thoughts wander…… Of course I don’t daydream when I work lah. I don’t daydream as much as I did when I was much younger. The window of time for me to be idle and let the thoughts wander is getting smaller and smaller. However, when I get that chance, I’ll just let my mind run free and imagine all things that I would love to imagine. I’ve never put those thoughts and imaginations to words. Now, I think it’s time for me to do that.

My vocabulary is at its worst lately. Many a times I couldn’t find the right word to express what I want to express. I have no one to blame but myself, for not reading at all for the past one year. Only did some reading on the internet. ARGH! Pick up a book and read, Ashley! Stop procrastinating! @__@

You’ll be seeing “short story” posts in the future. Of course, don’t expect incredibly fantastic stories from me. I’m not Patricia Cornwell or Dan Brown. :P

 


Is Dress Code Necessary In An Organisation?

If you’ve been following me on my blog, or read enough, you’d know by now what my profession is. On and off I have to crack my head and squeeze out some extra brain juice for the company policies.

Sometimes I wonder, we are all adults, we should be able to know what is right, what we should do and what we should not do, why do we still need so many rules and policies to discipline us? On the other hand, I know there are people who will try very hard to find the loopholes and push the limits just so that they benefit more from the restricted situation. Sigh…… Trust me, we human are very creative when it comes to rule-breaking.

I’m not talking about a dress code that you have to follow strictly on what to wear. It’s more of a guideline on what is considered inappropriate in the office environment. Without a clear guidelines, people tend to test the limits. For example, when you say “appropriate length”, everyone has their own interpretation of appropriate length. What I deem short, the other person may not think so. Some think that as long as it’s slightly longer than a mini skirt, it’s fine. Some think that as long as it looks smart and neat then it’s fine to be short. I have even seen some fashion boutiques labelling some mini dresses as “work wear”.

I have people telling me that, “my butt is big, so the skirt looks shorter on me…… I am taller, that’s why it’s short.” How does that justify you wearing short? When you go to buy your clothes, don’t you try them on? If it appears to be short, do you still insist on buying? No harm to dress pretty for work, but pretty doesn’t mean you can’t look professional. I am tall too (5’7″), but I don’t use that as an excuse to wear something short.

I don’t deny that I did wear something short, but when someone told me it is short, I took note and I don’t wear it to work again. There were also times that I myself felt that it’s short when I was in the office and I don’t wear it again. When I buy clothes, I take extra note on the length of skirt and pants. It really makes me wonder, why can’t others do the same?

I really don’t wish the company to impose such strict rules on what we wear. We are all adults, we should know better how to discipline ourselves better. We are not children that need to be told what is right or wrong. Be a grown up, dress according to your profession and age.

I’m not some old lady who doesn’t have a fashion sense, and I’m not jealous of people wearing short skirts but I don’t. I do wear short skirts and mini dresses, not to work though. I just think you are portraying the company’s image through your actions, that includes what you wear.

Elegant-Contrast-Mini-Dress

This is a pretty dress, but is it appropriate for work?

image4xl

Yes, I’ve seen people wearing this short to work.

FFDress2

I would love to wear these dresses, but not to work definitely.

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Again, it runs a little too short for office wear.

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Does pairing a mini dress with tights/stockings make a mini dress looks professional?

meem-fit--flare-dress-in-summer-navy_1009687

Now, I can totally see myself wearing these to work.

skirt-fashion-6

Yes, I’ve seen people wore this to work too. On a smart casual dress down day though.

short-skirt-job-interview

And yes, I’ve seen people wearing this too and they think it looks “professional” just because they wore a working shirt.

Black-short-skirt

Please tell me I’m not being too strict or conservative.

8F7BA3EC

My skirts are mostly this length.

P.S.: I find Corporette has the coolest advice on female office wear.


我变了吗?

有人说
我变了
我说
是吗

卸下面具
做回自己

是快乐
是解放
是自我
也是自私
更是自在

没有了虚伪
没有了假装

不阿谀奉承,错吗?
不随波逐流,坏吗?

有人爱
有人恨
有人骂
有人疼

领悟了

自己快乐
才能带给别人快乐

回头看看
那副被卸下的面具


真的
变了吗?

~ Ashley

IMG_7339

戴着面具,就像隔着一层玻璃。有时,也只是为了保护自己。


Say It, Before It’s Too Late

Have you told your loved ones lately that you love them?

Friends, family, partner, co-workers, pets……

About a month ago, one of my long-time internet chat friends, lost her battle to dengue fever. When another mutual chat friend told me the news, I didn’t want to believe it. It was early in the morning and I was on my way to work. I thought he was joking and it wasn’t funny. “Check her Facebook, Ashley”, he said. I checked her Facebook, I was shocked to see people leaving messages telling her how much they miss her and all the rest in peace messages. I felt surreal. How could she be dead? It’s gotta be a mistake…… I did not want to believe that she’s gone. It was when I reached the office that the reality started to set in. Then the first thing that came to my mind was, I did not tell her that I love her and she’s always been a great friend. Now, I don’t have the chance to tell her that anymore.

That day onwards, I’ve been telling people around me that I love them. If something happens to me, at least they know that I love them.

My heart aches so much for the missing MH370. It hits so close to heart that I’ve been secretly swallowing my tears whenever I think of it. I can only imagine how hard it is for the family members.

Have you told your loved ones lately that you love them?


“You Are Just Too Sensitive”

I know exactly what my strengths and weaknesses are. I have a not-so-cool temper (which has become better these days) and I can be blunt at times.

When someone keeps telling me over and over again that I am “too sensitive”, I started to question myself. All my life before I met this person, no one has ever told me that I am too sensitive.

When I started questioning myself, I also started to find answers. I found out that, I am not the one who is sensitive. That person who told me that I am is actually the one who’s always being too sensitive to everything I say and do. He/she is the one who always misunderstands what I say or do and then replies with something hurtful, and then goes on and calls me being “too sensitive” when I react. What? Am I supposed to take all the crap that you give me and I’m not allowed to even flinch?

I don’t get sensitive when I’m around others, others don’t tell me that I am sensitive. Only this particular person who is constantly telling me and others that I am “TOO SENSITIVE”.

I was so curious and I Google-d what actually being “too sensitive” means. Found this that explains so well, Been Told You’re “Too Sensitive”?

Your boundaries are your boundaries. It’s not up to anyone else to tell you about your own comfort levels or ‘correct’ them to fit around their own agenda.

Your feelings are your feelings. Some people aren’t bothered by certain things but that doesn’t invalidate your position. And yes, some people aren’t bothered by certain things because they have empathy issues so as long as they ‘feel’ (they’re not tapping into many emotions) OK with something and like their perspective, they won’t understand what you’re ‘in a flap’ about.

I have made a lot of changes to myself lately. Especially at work. I am happier and more of myself when I’m at work now. I never thought that just by being myself can be so liberating, and happy. I finally came to accept that those who can’t accept me even when I was trying very hard to please, will never accept me for who I am. Surprisingly, when I show the real me, those who didn’t agree with me in the past are actually the ones who noticed the change and started to embrace the real me. The happiest thing is not that I’ve changed to become a better person, it is when I heard “Ashley, I changed because you changed”. Now I understand it is so important for me to be myself and not trying to please people.

I know clearly that I am not a “too sensitive” person because when I’m around my other friends and family, I can tell them exactly what they have offended me and they will explain to me and they never for once say that I am being “too sensitive”. They acknowledge what I’m feeling!

For those that still think I’m “too sensitive”, take a mirror and look at yourself. Who’s the one being too sensitive here?

Oh wait, if I say the statement above, I will become a nasty abuser and all of a sudden I am not “too sensitive” anymore but rude and disrespectful. Sigh……

My motto now is, stop pleasing everyone, and start being REAL. Just be nice and true to yourself.


Flock Or Solo

Being human, that’s saying we don’t live alone.

There may be a few exceptional cases, but generally, we humans like to be associated with a certain group of people. We often seek to be part of a group and we always hope to be accepted by the group of people that we want to be with.

I have always desired to be accepted by the people that I want to be with. I try to fit in, adapt and change. I am always a follower. I always agree to what others say, so that I can be seen as part of the group and I so hope that I would be part of the group.

Is it because of my background and upbringing? I am not too sure. I just have this strong desire to be with people. I can do a lot of things alone and I don’t feel lonely. However when it comes to friends and work, I realised I have always wanted to be accepted by people. I don’t want to be seen as a lone ranger.

Recently, things change. I, change.

Things started to change few years ago, but now I have finally come to terms with the cold hard fact. The fact that, not everyone can accept me for who I really am. The fact that, all they want is for me to become like one of them. The fact that, they dislike the real me.

I have always believed that I could become someone better, someone that everyone likes. I couldn’t bear the thought of being disliked. I have always wanted to make things right when I came to know that someone dislikes me. I tried to improve and I did improve. I didn’t realise what I was doing was merely putting my real me to sleep. It was like playing as another person.

Sometimes, I felt I was accepted. I finally belonged to the “group”. However, when they still left you out, when you were still the last person on their mind, when they did not care how you feel, when it is always them you have to please…… It just hurts so much when you thought you were accepted by people only to find out you were actually not.

I could continue playing that person, if only people around me could accept me. It was never good enough. I, was never good enough. No matter how much I tried, how much I changed, people don’t seem to accept me. Not completely.

It got me thinking…… Ashley, do you need to please everybody just so that they accept you? Are you happy pleasing everybody except yourself? Are you happy playing someone that you are not? Will you be happy if they accept you completely? Is that the real you that they accept?

That’s the time I realised, I was constantly playing a different person. And I wasn’t happy. I was not me.

I missed my old self. That fearless, cheerful and confident ME.

I have decided, nothing and no one is more important than me myself. I have to take care of myself because if I don’t, no one will.

I am sick of saying yes all the time and I am tired of following someone else’s wish.

If someone doesn’t care about me or how I feel, so be it. It doesn’t concern me anymore.

If someone is not pleased with what I say and do, so be it. I’m not going to try to explain anymore.

Yes, it is time, to fly solo.

I don’t belong to the flock, and I never will. I never could.

Suddenly, I am happy once more. I am alone, but I am not lonely.

It’s so liberating to finally be myself, the real me.

P.S.: I only have a handful of friends that I am close to. I don’t see them very often, but they are the true friends that really let me be myself when I’m with them. I don’t please them, I merely enjoy the time spent with them. They accept me for who I am. They listen and they don’t judge. I was so sad when some people around me kept telling me that they’re my friends and yet they went on to judge me and gossip about me behind my back. That’s the time I learnt that I have to ditch the flock. The good thing about them is, they helped me grow. I gotta admit that without them, I wouldn’t realise how silly I was.


Missing My Angels

If the first pregnancy went smoothly, I would be celebrating my Christmas this year with my baby.

If the second one went smoothly, I would now be celebrating my Christmas with a big bundle of joy.

Seriously, festive seasons only make you miss the loved ones you lost, MORE.

Babies, are you celebrating Christmas together in heaven?

image


Healing. Mourning.

Time flies, it’s been two months. My body is still healing from the miscarriage. My heart, still aches sometimes.

I feel a lot more guilty this time, because I seem to be coping very well with the loss. I feel that I didn’t mourn the unborn child enough. The feeling of guilt is so strong now. Someone in a pregnancy forum told me, moving on faster this time doesn’t mean I love it any lesser. However, I feel terrible.

I don’t want to forget. I force myself to remember it every 23rd of the month. I would count, one month, two months. Subconsciously, I will try to make it difficult for myself.

I have thought of getting myself pregnant soon, but I know that is not what I want.

I too have thought of giving up on having a child, knowing that Andrew would not mind.

But it is just so not me to give up something so easily. Especially when I know I have not done my best.

Having a child has never been the priority in my life. I’m not sure if I should make it one now.

P.S.: I would be 5 months pregnant now if I did not miscarry……


Gifts For Him Vs. Gifts For Her

I’ve always heard people said, “I don’t know what to get her this Christmas, she’s got everything”.

People who said that, obviously have not bought a gift for a man before. I think!

It always puzzles me when people said that. If you’re really out of idea, just a cosmetic/skincare/bodycare gift box would really make her grinning from ear to ear.

A woman would never complain she has too many bottle of perfume.
A man though can be very choosy for the scent.

A woman would never say no to jewellery.
A man though doesn’t usually wear jewellery!

A woman would always be happy to receive flowers.
A man though doesn’t seem to appreciate the beauty of flowers.

A woman would be happy to receive soft toys.
A man though doesn’t like to be associated with anything fluffy and cute.

A woman doesn’t mind to have an extra purse.
A man though carries one wallet until it’s torn.

I’ve thought of pen. Nope, he doesn’t carry one around.

How about wallet? No, the one he’s using is still new.

Shoes? Sorry, I will have to bring him there for fitting. So, no.

Shades? He doesn’t wear them, and he lost the Armani pair that his brother gave him all because he rarely wore them and he forgot where he put. -__-

Gadgets? Toys? They’re too expensive. He’s into remote control helis and stuff, but they’re so bloody expensive. He likes the new Play Station 4, again, it is damn expensive. You have no idea. He doesn’t simply splurge, but he has expensive taste. @__@

Watch then. I know he likes one of the G-Shock watches, but it’s so expensive! And I think I’ll save that for his birthday.

Think I’m left with clothes and perfume. SIGH…………………………

Now, don’t ever tell me it is easier to buy gift for a man!


How Else Would You Spell ASHLEY?

Ashley, is a pretty common name I would say. When someone tells you his/her name is Ashley, the spelling that comes to mind would be either Ashley, Ashlee, Ashlea, Ashlie, or even Ashleigh.

However, I know for some people, to pronounce Ashley is a chore. That’s because right after you make the “O” from pronouncing the “Ash”, you have to immediately pull your lips back to pronounce the “lee”. Some may even have problem saying the “sh”. So, the name will sound like “Asley”. @__@

Ashley, isn’t my Christian name since I’m not a Christian. It is a name which I gave myself when I started college because the tutors and lecturers couldn’t pronounce my Chinese name correctly. Mind you, my Chinese name isn’t too difficult to pronounce and I have no idea why a lot of people always couldn’t get it right! Little did I know some people would still have problem pronouncing Ashley. T__T

Over the years, I’ve received emails from people addressing me “AshEly”. I’m not sure if it was a typo or what. My email address clearly states “ASHLEY”, but they would always write “AshEly”! With the “E” in front of “L”! Always! Something wrong with their eyes?????????

Fine, I could take “Ashely” as a typo. How about “Ashly”? Where’s my “E”???!!! Again, do they have problem reading email address? Not just once, emails after emails with my signature at the bottom which says “ASHLEY”, they insist to address me as “Ashly”. I bet they must be starving to have eaten the “E”.

Then, I have people writing to me and addressing me as “Asly”. @__@ You must have noticed. “Ashley” got shorter and shorter. I totally understand, “Asly” way much easier to pronounce. However, I don’t remember pronouncing my name as “Asly” when I talk to people. I know how people could have missed the “sh”, I always emphasize on pronouncing “Ae-ssshhh-lee”. There is no way one could miss the “sh”! Sigh……

The most recent one, and it didn’t happen just once, but twice! In Starbucks! Seriously, I’m wondering if Starbucks management gave all their staffs a list of names to be written on the cups whenever they hear such names from their customers. I happily told them my name is “Ashley” when they asked for it. What appeared on my cups was this:

Starbucks Can't Spell

This isn’t the first time I got “Esly” from Starbucks. The previous time I didn’t bother to take picture of it. -__- “ESLY”!!! Why “Esly”?! My pronunciation can’t be that bad! Or people nowadays pronounce “Esly” with the “ash”? @__@

My friend then showed me a link that “Starbucks Employees Can’t Spell Names Well“. It was horrendous! I feel sorry for those people! Then I thought, would the employees have done it on purpose? You certainly know what vagina and anus are! Suddenly, “Esly” seems so much better.

I have also heard some people pronounce “Ashley” as “Asli”, which is the same pronunciation for “orang asli” (which means native)! T__T Some would even make fun of it by saying, “Asli??? Orang asli ke awak ni???” And they laughed. *Cries* Why like that????

I can only blame myself…… SIGH. –_____–


Fast & Furious Will Never Be The Same

I believe most of us know him from The Fast and The Furious. He was a young lad back then. It was only few months ago that we’ve seen Fast & Furious 6. Now, he’s gone.

Few days ago, I woke up to my Facebook flooded with the bad news. I didn’t want to believe it, I went Google to see if it was a hoax. I was hoping very hard that it was just another hoax that people created. This time, Google disappoints me. The news was already on BBC, it wasn’t a hoax. Within minutes, my Facebook was flooded with pictures of him.

I don’t know why this time a celebrity’s death could make me feel so sad. I was sad when Michael Jackson died, but not like this. I didn’t cry, but I felt the heart-ache. I got teary looking at all the RIP messages on Facebook. It’s weird for me to feel the pain when I don’t know him at all.

Is it because I’ve seen all of the Fast & Furious series? Is it because he was too young? Or I feel sorry for him to die at the peak of his career? Or because I won’t see him in Fast & Furious anymore?

People have been saying that we only remember Paul Walker, but we forgot there’s another person who died, which was his friend, Roger Rodas. Just because he wasn’t famous, nobody seems to notice. According to the website, he was only 38, even younger than Paul Walker.

A lot have also said that Paul Walker was only an average man you could find off the street and he didn’t deserve what he was having. Well…… To me, he was still a great actor and someone who did his part to make the world a better place.

Are good people destined to die young?

Too young. Too soon. 

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Picture from Facebook

Philippines Relief – Reach Out Worldwide


Returning The Favor

To return the favor, it could be either good or bad.

We are taught to return the favor when someone helps us. We are never taught to return the favor when someone is mean to us, or we call it revenge. It is always said that revenge only makes you feeling even more bitter, makes you a hater. Even if you manage to return the favor, you can’t undo what is done.

Unlike returning a good deed, others feel happy and you feel happier. Returning the favor should be a circle, it goes round and round, on and on, it should never stop. We often feel elated when we help someone and the world could always use an extra helping hand.

We are also told that to treat people how you would want to be treated, never do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you. Recently, I saw the photo below on Facebook and I laughed. I laughed, and I concurred.

FB Image

When the other person doesn’t really care about me, I feel that it is only wasting time to continue to show that I care. Someone said, keep showing them the love since they may need it. Hell with that. I’m not a saint. I can’t love someone who constantly treats me like a doormat. I may or may not return the favor, but I will certainly distant myself from that person, either physically or emotionally.

A very simple rule, you treat me nice, and I’ll treat you the same. When you are mean to me, please don’t expect me to be an angel. When I turn my back on you, you should know damn well that it is time for you to walk out of my life. Don’t go around telling others how I have failed you, remember, it works both way.

Have you ever revenged? Was it really “sweet revenge”?


Why Are We Even Friends?

When I was reading Dan’s blog, We Shouldn’t Be Friends by Any Account, the people that came to my mind were them:

Friendship

More often than not, we make most of our friends when we are in school. Those friends, are our classmates, also partners in crimes, and friends. When we go to college, we make new friends too, if you’re lucky. When we start working, we have co-workers/colleagues, some of these people become our friends too. You see, the places where we make new friends, are pretty much, predictable. Of course, there are examples of making new friends over the internet and some other strange places. For me, I met this bunch of incredible people in a wedding forum.

It started with us ladies, planning our weddings. We needed information, where else to go to when the world wide web is the easiest and fastest way. We joined this wedding forum, we exchanged ideas, information, advices, thoughts, opinions, jokes, tears…… Five of us, got especially close to each other. Why? I don’t know.

Then, it blossomed into real-life friends. We met up, with the rest of the bride-to-be’s. However, five of us would meet more frequent. We even had our own chat group on MSN and every night we would gather at 8pm or 9pm and chat. We talked about everything under the sky and we laughed at almost every joke.

In between, things happened. Can’t remember what exactly, I’d like to think that’s just how things work.

First, it was only us, the ladies. We’re not really close in age. Our age gap is in between 3 to 6 years. We also come from different places and we were brought up in different culture. We are actually very different. Somehow, we click. Not in a million years I thought I could be friends with them.

Melissa, aka Mel Mel, is the “gentle” one among us. She laughs, she jokes, she talks, but she’s never loud. Once in a while she will say something that crack all of us up big time. She LOVES food, and she doesn’t like HOT. However, she would go under the hot sun for food. Hahahahaha. Usually, I will snort at this sort of “puteri lilin”. C’mon lah, you’re living in Malaysia, if you can’t stand the sun and hot weather, where else can you go? But, we are still friends. The rest of us will always make fun of her “puteri lilin” side, but she’s cool with that.

Wan Yi, we call her “Ah Yi” most of the times. :P She has the loudest laugh!!! When she gets excited, she will laugh so loud that we all at one point think the walls are going to collapse! She’s the youngest among us, we all sometimes treat her like lil’ sister. She is Singaporean. You know, I’m very sceptical towards Singaporean. I usually can’t stand them. To top that, Wan Yi is so much younger than me, she’s even younger than my younger sister. I don’t always click with “small” sister. But well, we are still friends. She has a big heart, she can take whatever crap this BIG sister throws at her. :p

There’s Nicole, we nicknamed her “Ah Nic”. She can cook and bake good stuff! We used to go to her home and eat! Hahahaha. And Wii-ing together. I don’t see her as often as the rest, but we still keep in touch. She will always make effort to meet us. I don’t usually have a lot to talk to friends that I don’t see regularly. You know, that awkward moment when you meet a friend that you didn’t see for a long time, you go “hello, how are you”, and the silence that follows…… Somehow, Nicole is an exception.

Honestly, they’re not exactly the type of friends I would be seen associated with if you look at my personality. However, it turned out that they’re the closest friends that I now have. We don’t get jealous of each other, we don’t badmouth each other, we don’t lie to each other…… We agree, but we also disagree. We have good and bad times, but our hearts still bring us together. I guess Dan is true in saying, friends just kind of “happen.”

Over the time, we include our husbands. Surprisingly, our husbands get along just fine. We often go out and travel together. We don’t really care how much the other person is earning and the background, so long as we are happy together.

Friends, may not always be there. So, be grateful when they are.

Friends

I used to have a lot of friends, good friends, best friends…… Most of them are history now. I wish someone could have told me when I was much younger that true friends show up only when you’re in trouble. That would have prepared me for all the heartaches.


解释。掩饰。有事。

发生事情的时候,人的本能总是想要在第一时间为自己解释。

人,总是喜欢有人认同自己。

解释的好,人家压根也不会察觉你其实是在掩饰些什么。

解释的妙,人家还会说你说得对,你好棒。

解释的巧,人家甚至会站在你这边,给你鼓励,给你“赞”。

可是,为什么要费神、费力的向所有人解释?

是想掩饰什么吗?

其实,如果事实就是如此,解释是徒然的。

事实,就摆在眼前。

看得见的人,你根本不需向他们解释。

看不见的人,再怎么解释也没用。他们不会因为你的解释就会恍然大悟。

自己的事,更不需向任何人解释。

懂你的人,不用你来解释也会明白。

不懂你的人,解释了也还是不会了解。

我不喜欢向别人解释我做某件事的原因。

别人误会我了,我会吃惊。然后生气。但我不会去解释。

我知道只要我问心无愧,懂我的人会明白我为何那么做。

曾经有人问我为何对她不理不睬。我无言。

我不知道如何解释,我以为她了解。

原来,她一直都不了解。那我为何还需解释呢?

我不喜欢一直喜欢向别人解释自己的人。

怎么,是想掩饰什么吗?

没事的话,不必解释、不必掩饰。

有事的话,解释再多,也只是掩饰。


The Truth Box. That You Can’t Imagine.

A while back, someone on Facebook shared Dan Pearce’s blog post on 25 more of the Creepiest Things Ever Said by Kids. I’ve been following his blog ever since.

Today, I read this, Pulled from the Truth Box – Week 29.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” ~Philo of Alexandria

He started the post with the above. How apt.

I was surprised and sad that people are not what we think they are. They are going through things which we would never have thought. We only see things on the surface and we make our own judgements and assumptions from that. How shallow we are.

We often want others to understand what we are going through, but we fail to understand what others are really going through. We see a happy face that someone puts up, immediately we think that he is fine now and everything is back to normal again. We fail to recognise the fact that it is so easy to hide our true emotions or secrets if we really try.

Look at those confessions, some of them clearly need help. However, no one can help them if they continue to keep their secrets, a secret. Why is it so hard for someone to say that they need help? Are people around them so cruel that they refuse to help? I can’t imagine what they are going through…… It must be very difficult to hide all of it and show the opposite. No wonder the rate of suicide is so high. :(

I too hide things, especially from my colleagues. They don’t know what I’m going through in life. They hardly know me, except the part of me that they see at work. I don’t hide my true self from them on purpose, it’s just that I see no need to show them that side of me.

I have one confession that I would like to make here, in the blogosphere, to the whole world.

What everyone thinks is true:
I am a strong and confident person that I can take any challenge life throws at me.

What actually is true:
I don’t want the world to see me cry, so I cry in the bathroom when I’m tired of pretending that I am strong.

Don’t be disturbed by what I wrote above. I am perfectly fine.

Now, people, don’t go and judge someone when you don’t know the story behind. Remember, you can hurt someone badly when he’s already so wounded. “We all are fighting our own great battles”, be kind to everyone.

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流泪,是因为有过去。

今天早上(这份贴文是上个礼拜写的)电台一直在播张学友的歌,说是因为学友要来做采访。

当我听见“她来听我的演唱会”时,我和Andrew说好多女生在演唱会听这首歌时都会流泪。“唱出她们的心声了”,他说。可是,我没有失恋的故事,我也流泪了。在车里,拼了老命的把眼泪往肚里吞。被他知道了又要给他笑了。-__-|||

每次一听见这首歌,就会有一种难以言喻的感触。就会莫名的伤心流泪。今年初的演唱会听见这首歌,也是泪眼汪汪的。

我没有经历过什么轰轰烈烈的爱情故事,也没有让我肝肠寸断的失恋史。说起来,我在情路上倒是幸运的。

可是,在其他人生经历上,倒是尝过了不少苦头。

自己本身的强硬性格,往往是碰壁的罪魁祸首。

对好一点的朋友就会无可救药的掏心掏肺,也让自己碰了一鼻子灰。

心肠软更是让自己伤了一次又一次。

直肠直肚也得罪了不少人。

诚实、善良、信任和坚强,一旦过了头,统统都变成缺点了。

当中,最让人难过的还是朋友的背叛。自己的坦诚换来了朋友的冷嘲热讽。对朋友的信任被当作耍小姐脾气。为朋友两肋插刀只换得“活该”。好好珍惜的友情竟说成漠不关心。

受了伤还是想要相信。结果,竟然是自己往自己伤口上又捅了一刀。。。。。。笨!死!了!

流泪不是为过去的事难过,而是感触自己还是走过来了。

说实在的,从我外表来看,我不像是个有什么经历的人。

大家都会说我“好幸运”。

当你不了解一个人的经历时,请不要妄下定论。

每个人都有不为人知的经历和过去。

当一个人在听歌时悄然泪下,请你不要小题大做。


Is Marriage For You? No?

Few days ago, I saw a few of my friends on Facebook sharing and agreeing to this blog post by Seth Adam Smith, Marriage Isn’t For you. I read through, and I can’t seem to bring myself to agree with him like the rest.

Most of the times, we ask ourselves, why do I want to marry him/her? The answers, would always come to this, “I love her so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with her building our own family”. This statement alone, is a selfish one. Selfish, yet loving.

The moment someone decides to marry someone, that, is already a selfish decision. Marriage, is a promise to be loyal and faithful to one person till the day you die. By marrying someone, you are asking the other person to give up other courters now and in the future. Isn’t that selfish?

Marriage, is also a commitment. You commit to love and care for each other. We expect love and care from our spouse, because it works both ways. We walk into this marriage knowing very well that the other person will love and care for us, and vice versa. So, isn’t that selfish?

Most of us (if not all of us), married for love. We have heard or read many stories that couples went against their parents to marry someone that they truly love. That, is selfish, isn’t it?

“Love is about the person you love.” Yes, of course it is. Don’t we all know that? However, if loving someone doesn’t make me happy anymore, why should I continue to love selflessly? Love, is a two way street. Now, isn’t that selfish?

In the process of making someone happy, I hope that I will feel happy too. If I feel miserable while making my spouse feeling happy, what is the point? I certainly do not wish Andrew to feel miserable too while making me feel happy. We do things that make both of us happy. Well, from the look of it, isn’t that selfish?

To me, marriage is for US. So yes, marriage is for YOU.

It is not about family, or our future children. It is for me, right here, right now. I may not have children, but I know for sure I want this marriage to last as long as it can possibly last. As long as I can love, I will love. As long as I am happy to make him happy, I will give. As long as he is happy to make me happy, I will receive.

Marriage is selfish, because it is about the two persons who love each other, ONLY.

Marriage is selfish, because two persons have to compromise to make it work.

Marriage is selfish, because it is a journey of constant efforts that two persons have to make.

Marriage is for US, and only us. If you are not ready to love, compromise and work, then marriage isn’t for you.

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Hong Lagoon, Krabi, 2013

P.S.: Haven’t we always heard, you have to learn to love yourself before you learn how to love others better? Love is selfish. It is an act that we do, hoping that we would earn the love from another person. I love myself. That means I will only love someone who will love me in return. I love myself enough to know that I shouldn’t love someone who can’t love me in return. Only our parents and God love us selflessly.


The Pain That You Cause

At this age, I am still learning how to be more sensitive towards the feelings of others. At the same time, not to be overly sensitive over what insensitive people say and do.

Well, we are only human beings. We have feelings, and we feel hurt. We can’t help it, even when we keep telling ourselves “don’t”.

It still beats me to this day that why some people can be so insensitive. No, they are sensitive too, but they are insensitive towards others’ feelings.

These people, they do not like being questioned by others. However, they enjoy asking the same questions to others and causing pain. Here’s the example:

Miss X: Hey, when are you going to have your own baby? What are you waiting for? You’re not that young anymore, you know.
Miss Y: I think it’s none of your business. (Feeling sore and miserable by the questions.)

Miss Y: Hey, when are you going to have your own baby? What are you waiting for? You’re not that young anymore, you know.
Miss Z: Ermm…… I’m trying……

Or:

Miss X: When are you getting married? You two have been together for so long, it’s time, you know.
Miss Y: Well, he has yet to ask me to marry him. (Feeling more upset that Miss X pointed out the fact.)

Miss Y: When are you getting married? You two have been together for so long, it’s time, you know.
Miss Z: Ermm…… Soon……

They feel the pain of their own, yet they go on to cause the same pain on others. Why on earth would someone who is feeling the pain hurt another person to feel the pain too? What human beings are they? Don’t they know you “do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you”???? Is this some sort of revenge for what they’re going through? Or are they happier to see others suffer???

Just recently, I was craving for cakes and I wrote on my Facebook wall that I lost my appetite on food except cakes. Some commented that I am pregnant to have such cravings. Since when food cravings are limited to pregnant women only, for crying out loud?! My food cravings always come and go, don’t tell me you never have food cravings even when you’re not pregnant!

You know what is the pain about asking me if I was pregnant for having such cravings? You did not know that I just had a miscarriage. You did not know what I had gone through but you brilliantly went on to ask if I was pregnant. THAT, my dear, is the pain. I don’t blame you for not knowing what I went through, I only blame you for being so insensitive to judge and assume. If I hadn’t gone through a miscarriage, I too would have felt the pain because obviously, I wasn’t pregnant. And yes, you smarty pants just rang the bell of pain for me not being able to get pregnant. You could have just told me where to find delicious cakes to curb my cravings instead of bringing up the pregnancy stuff.

I deleted my status soon after that, because I do not want to see those questions again. Once again it proved that Facebook is such an evil place. I have to keep reminding myself not to post anything too personal anymore.

Everyone makes their own choices. We don’t usually like others to probe, but please don’t go probing too. You don’t know what others are going through and even if you think you know, you may not know it all. Some questions are better left unasked. What do you get even if you know the answer??? You get absolutely nothing. So what if you know??? You feel happy or sad for them??? Then, what can you do??? Absolutely nothing. Don’t cause pain when you know you can avoid it.

Next time, before you ask that question, ask yourself, has that anything to do with you?

Oh, if your friend wants you to know, you don’t even have to ask.

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P.S.: I am glad that I have a few close friends that never ever ask me when am I planning to have a baby. It isn’t that they don’t care, they just know there’s no need to ask. Aren’t you grateful to have met friends like this? These are the people that I love surrounding myself with.


October 2013. An Eventful Month.

Sorry for the lack of updates here. October was clearly not a good month for me. The same thing happened last year, it happened again this year. I start to hate October. I wish someone could take out October.

I thought this time would be different, because I did feel a little different. I was wrong.

I was pregnant and I miscarried. This time, it was worse. I was 10 weeks when the foetus stopped growing, and I didn’t miscarry naturally. I had to go through a D&C to get rid of the pregnancy.

It was raining, on the day I got the bad news. I couldn’t help but blamed the god, if you’ve given me this gift, why did you have to take it away? Don’t give me something and take it back later! Don’t come tell me that you’re sorry that it was not meant to be.

I went from being sad to mad. I grieved, I blamed, I wondered, and finally, I got over it. All within a week.

I was surprised that this time, I coped so well.

Sometimes, I couldn’t help but think, would things be different if I were to go to the gynae that I’m seeing now? I should have gone to this gynae instead of the other one…… I shouldn’t have waited……

Now, there is still this tiny bit of sadness in the back of my mind. Two miscarriages…… How can I not feel sad? One put me in an operating theatre for the first time in my life…… How can I ever forget that?

The bad news, the D&C, the long medical leave, the pain, the recovery…… All happened in the month of October.

Please, can someone make me forget OCTOBER?

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 The child, that was not meant to be. Mommy loves you and you are always in my heart. Goodbye my angel, please watch over us.


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