I believe most of us know him from The Fast and The Furious. He was a young lad back then. It was only few months ago that we’ve seen Fast & Furious 6. Now, he’s gone.
Few days ago, I woke up to my Facebook flooded with the bad news. I didn’t want to believe it, I went Google to see if it was a hoax. I was hoping very hard that it was just another hoax that people created. This time, Google disappoints me. The news was already on BBC, it wasn’t a hoax. Within minutes, my Facebook was flooded with pictures of him.
I don’t know why this time a celebrity’s death could make me feel so sad. I was sad when Michael Jackson died, but not like this. I didn’t cry, but I felt the heart-ache. I got teary looking at all the RIP messages on Facebook. It’s weird for me to feel the pain when I don’t know him at all.
Is it because I’ve seen all of the Fast & Furious series? Is it because he was too young? Or I feel sorry for him to die at the peak of his career? Or because I won’t see him in Fast & Furious anymore?
People have been saying that we only remember Paul Walker, but we forgot there’s another person who died, which was his friend, Roger Rodas. Just because he wasn’t famous, nobody seems to notice. According to the website, he was only 38, even younger than Paul Walker.
A lot have also said that Paul Walker was only an average man you could find off the street and he didn’t deserve what he was having. Well…… To me, he was still a great actor and someone who did his part to make the world a better place.
Are good people destined to die young?
Too young. Too soon.
Picture from Facebook
To return the favor, it could be either good or bad.
We are taught to return the favor when someone helps us. We are never taught to return the favor when someone is mean to us, or we call it revenge. It is always said that revenge only makes you feeling even more bitter, makes you a hater. Even if you manage to return the favor, you can’t undo what is done.
Unlike returning a good deed, others feel happy and you feel happier. Returning the favor should be a circle, it goes round and round, on and on, it should never stop. We often feel elated when we help someone and the world could always use an extra helping hand.
We are also told that to treat people how you would want to be treated, never do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you. Recently, I saw the photo below on Facebook and I laughed. I laughed, and I concurred.
When the other person doesn’t really care about me, I feel that it is only wasting time to continue to show that I care. Someone said, keep showing them the love since they may need it. Hell with that. I’m not a saint. I can’t love someone who constantly treats me like a doormat. I may or may not return the favor, but I will certainly distant myself from that person, either physically or emotionally.
A very simple rule, you treat me nice, and I’ll treat you the same. When you are mean to me, please don’t expect me to be an angel. When I turn my back on you, you should know damn well that it is time for you to walk out of my life. Don’t go around telling others how I have failed you, remember, it works both way.
Have you ever revenged? Was it really “sweet revenge”?
When I was reading Dan’s blog, We Shouldn’t Be Friends by Any Account, the people that came to my mind were them:
More often than not, we make most of our friends when we are in school. Those friends, are our classmates, also partners in crimes, and friends. When we go to college, we make new friends too, if you’re lucky. When we start working, we have co-workers/colleagues, some of these people become our friends too. You see, the places where we make new friends, are pretty much, predictable. Of course, there are examples of making new friends over the internet and some other strange places. For me, I met this bunch of incredible people in a wedding forum.
It started with us ladies, planning our weddings. We needed information, where else to go to when the world wide web is the easiest and fastest way. We joined this wedding forum, we exchanged ideas, information, advices, thoughts, opinions, jokes, tears…… Five of us, got especially close to each other. Why? I don’t know.
Then, it blossomed into real-life friends. We met up, with the rest of the bride-to-be’s. However, five of us would meet more frequent. We even had our own chat group on MSN and every night we would gather at 8pm or 9pm and chat. We talked about everything under the sky and we laughed at almost every joke.
In between, things happened. Can’t remember what exactly, I’d like to think that’s just how things work.
First, it was only us, the ladies. We’re not really close in age. Our age gap is in between 3 to 6 years. We also come from different places and we were brought up in different culture. We are actually very different. Somehow, we click. Not in a million years I thought I could be friends with them.
Melissa, aka Mel Mel, is the “gentle” one among us. She laughs, she jokes, she talks, but she’s never loud. Once in a while she will say something that crack all of us up big time. She LOVES food, and she doesn’t like HOT. However, she would go under the hot sun for food. Hahahahaha. Usually, I will snort at this sort of “puteri lilin”. C’mon lah, you’re living in Malaysia, if you can’t stand the sun and hot weather, where else can you go? But, we are still friends. The rest of us will always make fun of her “puteri lilin” side, but she’s cool with that.
Wan Yi, we call her “Ah Yi” most of the times. :P She has the loudest laugh!!! When she gets excited, she will laugh so loud that we all at one point think the walls are going to collapse! She’s the youngest among us, we all sometimes treat her like lil’ sister. She is Singaporean. You know, I’m very sceptical towards Singaporean. I usually can’t stand them. To top that, Wan Yi is so much younger than me, she’s even younger than my younger sister. I don’t always click with “small” sister. But well, we are still friends. She has a big heart, she can take whatever crap this BIG sister throws at her. :p
There’s Nicole, we nicknamed her “Ah Nic”. She can cook and bake good stuff! We used to go to her home and eat! Hahahaha. And Wii-ing together. I don’t see her as often as the rest, but we still keep in touch. She will always make effort to meet us. I don’t usually have a lot to talk to friends that I don’t see regularly. You know, that awkward moment when you meet a friend that you didn’t see for a long time, you go “hello, how are you”, and the silence that follows…… Somehow, Nicole is an exception.
Honestly, they’re not exactly the type of friends I would be seen associated with if you look at my personality. However, it turned out that they’re the closest friends that I now have. We don’t get jealous of each other, we don’t badmouth each other, we don’t lie to each other…… We agree, but we also disagree. We have good and bad times, but our hearts still bring us together. I guess Dan is true in saying, friends just kind of “happen.”
Over the time, we include our husbands. Surprisingly, our husbands get along just fine. We often go out and travel together. We don’t really care how much the other person is earning and the background, so long as we are happy together.
Friends, may not always be there. So, be grateful when they are.
I used to have a lot of friends, good friends, best friends…… Most of them are history now. I wish someone could have told me when I was much younger that true friends show up only when you’re in trouble. That would have prepared me for all the heartaches.
As you know me, I prefer flats than heels. Ever since my RM39 red flats which I bought from Zalora worn out, I’ve been looking for a replacement. I hate that moment that when you wanted something badly, you just couldn’t find it. I’ve tried cheap ones, expensive ones, comfortable ones (as they claimed)…… None of them really gave me that comfortable feeling like the RM39 flats! Idiot…… I am stuck with my ugly but comfortable yellow Crocs…… And my red Chuck Taylor (I still love my red Converse)……
I was looking for a pair of white Chuck Taylor classic for a long time. All the stores I’ve been to are “out of stock”, I even left my numbers with them so that they could call me when they restock. I never received calls from them. Ish…… But Ashley, why white? You may ask. ‘Cause I can then pair it with anything, any color, any outfit…… Oh, and I wanted a high top since I already have a classic.
Was wandering in KLCC with Andrew after dinner on one Friday. Walked past Converse store and I said, “let’s go in and try my luck again”. Saw the white high top on display, I was sceptical when I asked the store assistant if there were any smaller sizes available. The shop owner heard and answered “try size 5″. I was surprised that they have sizes!!! I was yelping in delight inside! “They have size! They have stock wor!” I told Andrew. When I put that white high top on, my goodness…… I didn’t want to take it off!!! I was looking in the mirror (almost dance in front of the mirror) and kept asking Andrew, “nice right? It looks nice right? It looks so nice and it’s so comfortable……” That moment, I knew I gotta buy it NOW.
Fastest decision I ever made in buying a pair of shoes! Within less than 5 minutes. Hahahahahahaha.
Love my Chuck Taylor All Star!
P.S.: I’m still hunting for a pair of flats that I can wear with my work outfit. I don’t wear flats in the office usually. I wear flats TO the office, and change into my heels when I’m in the office, and change back into my flats when it’s after work. So, I still need a pair of flats that could compliment my work outfit. Crocs is just too ugly. :(
A while back, someone on Facebook shared Dan Pearce’s blog post on 25 more of the Creepiest Things Ever Said by Kids. I’ve been following his blog ever since.
Today, I read this, Pulled from the Truth Box – Week 29.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” ~Philo of Alexandria
He started the post with the above. How apt.
I was surprised and sad that people are not what we think they are. They are going through things which we would never have thought. We only see things on the surface and we make our own judgements and assumptions from that. How shallow we are.
We often want others to understand what we are going through, but we fail to understand what others are really going through. We see a happy face that someone puts up, immediately we think that he is fine now and everything is back to normal again. We fail to recognise the fact that it is so easy to hide our true emotions or secrets if we really try.
Look at those confessions, some of them clearly need help. However, no one can help them if they continue to keep their secrets, a secret. Why is it so hard for someone to say that they need help? Are people around them so cruel that they refuse to help? I can’t imagine what they are going through…… It must be very difficult to hide all of it and show the opposite. No wonder the rate of suicide is so high. :(
I too hide things, especially from my colleagues. They don’t know what I’m going through in life. They hardly know me, except the part of me that they see at work. I don’t hide my true self from them on purpose, it’s just that I see no need to show them that side of me.
I have one confession that I would like to make here, in the blogosphere, to the whole world.
What everyone thinks is true:
I am a strong and confident person that I can take any challenge life throws at me.
What actually is true:
I don’t want the world to see me cry, so I cry in the bathroom when I’m tired of pretending that I am strong.
Don’t be disturbed by what I wrote above. I am perfectly fine.
Now, people, don’t go and judge someone when you don’t know the story behind. Remember, you can hurt someone badly when he’s already so wounded. “We all are fighting our own great battles”, be kind to everyone.
If some of you hadn’t noticed, I am from Malaysia, I am Malaysian. English is not our mother tongue and we don’t speak English like the British (with the accent) although our English is UK based. We, speak our very own Manglish! *I’m so surprised that Manglish is explained on Wikipedia!!!*
When we speak English among our people, we can get very LOCAL. We add our own dialects, Malay, Hokkien, Cantonese…… Sometimes Tamil….. Hahahaha. As long as we can understand each other, we use all sorts of languages that we know in one sentence to make it “colourful”. However, I don’t write Manglish in my blog. I don’t know why. Occasionally you would see some “lah”, “aiyo”, and whatnots, but not the full version of Manglish. So, when I read this on Daily Prompt: Non-Regional Diction, I thought this is the best opportunity to show off my Manglish. Hahahaha. Be warned, if you’re not used to Manglish, you may not have a clue what I’m trying to express. :D
Christmas is coming soon lah, told Andrew I want to start decorating the Christmas tree but he pulak said next month only take out. Ish…… I want the Christmas feel mah and he tak paham one. Need to go IKEA fast lor, or else sure like last year, all the deco stuff habik disapu. Kesian us last year, only managed to grab some leftover stuff.
This Christmas I’m going to bake some cookies. Andrew’s aunt gave me this great idea to bake some cookies as Christmas gift. Since I so semangat to bake now, better take this opportunity to practice more. Then I can bake my own cookies for CNY liao! Andrew said last week, “CNY don’t need to buy cookies from outside liao lor……” I sweat, he really thinks so highly of his wifey lor.
Ever since my miscarriage, I keep telling myself not to stress too much at work. Wah…… It works leh. Things that I would usually feel upset about, now I just don’t care lah. Cin cai lah whatever you want to say, I just smile and do whatever I can. If you don’t like it, go complain to my boss lah, let him decide lor. So long as I feel that I’m doing the right thing, what to afraid oh. Of course lor, sometimes will still feel a bit “boh song” lor, but I won’t let it affect my mood anymore. Mm jek dak lor. Sigh, took me so long to finally learn the art of tidak-apa. Well, it’s better late than never lor.
After watching Thor: The Dark World, I fell in love with Tom Hiddleston (I remember his name ’cause it is unique lah. Hahaha.)! Aiyoooo…… The handsome bad boy in Thor!!! In The Dark World, he looks even more charming lah. Bad boy with character, beh tahan ah…… Now I like Loki more than Thor. Hahahaha. He’s bad, yet he’s good, and then he’s bad again…… Walau ehhh…… Then I saw this video of him being in an interview prank, he is so adorable lah!!! And so good mannered! Then there’s another video of him dancing! Fuyooohhh…… How can he be so cool???!!!
Meeting my girl friends tomorrow, excited leh. This few girl friends are friends that I really cherish. Although we don’t see each other very often, we do keep in touch one. I volunteered to bake them some cupcakes, kan cheong ah. Nicole is usually the one who bakes for us, now is the time to return the favor lor. Cannot always eat but no return one mah, must return the favor if can de. I have this funny principle, if I receive a favor from someone hoh, I will try to return it even if it’s not to the same person. For example, I used to have a colleague who always sent me home whenever she could. After she resigned, I (more like Andrew lah) would try to send other colleagues (those who stay near my place) home if I could.
I didn’t know it could be this difficult for me to write in Manglish lor. I usually speak Manglish one lah, I don’t know why when it comes to writing I have difficulty to incorporate it in. Funny hoh? Someone at work used to correct my broken English since I speak Manglish. I then talked to him in a strictly perfect English, “don’t do that with me and don’t think that I don’t know how to SPEAK good English. When I do, you will feel embarrassed for yourself. Now, do you want me to speak proper English with you?” That totally shut him off! Wah…… Shiokness. I speak Manglish because I am Malaysian. I don’t try to speak in some English slang and accent here. I used to work with people from other countries, namely American, British, Australian and Kiwi. I only speak proper English when I need to. When I’m with my own people, Manglish prevails. :) Or some of us would call it, rojak English lah.
When you see/hear Malaysians speaking broken English with each other, don’t be shocked, it is our culture here. Also, don’t assume that we can’t speak proper English. Manglish is how we communicate, it doesn’t mean we did not learn English the proper way.
I once saw someone shared this on Facebook, only Malaysian can understand this:
Macha, you want da pao or makan here?
4 languages/dialects in one sentence, and it looks totally fine to us, because we understand it perfectly. :D
I was struggling to find what I really love doing. It was all over the place and I wanted to do so many things. Andrew told me to take my time to find it, it is not something that you can rush. There wasn’t one thing that I really LOVE doing and commit to it. Until, now. It was just like what people always say, you find it when you least expect it.
Recently, I found that I actually enjoy baking. :)
I enjoy cooking too. Whenever I can, I will cook. However, I don’t like the “aftermath” of cooking a meal. So many things to wash! Pans, pots, spatula, spoons, plates, bowls, chopsticks, chopping boards, knife…… And so much of waste to throw!!! I’m really lazy to cook whenever I think of that……
Whereas for baking, usually is just the mixing bowl, mixer, spatula, baking tray and measuring cup. See! Lesser things to wash and clean up. Also, it’s fast to actually whip up something to bake. Once you master the steps, it’s so easy. Mix everything up, put in the baking tray and into the oven, “DING”! Done. And the house would be smelling heavenly of baked stuff instead of smelling oily or stinky of the food you just cooked.
However, being an Aries, the biggest challenge is to make a new challenge/passion last. I am worried that this new-found passion will only last for a couple of months. I have to find new “challenges” for myself if I want this passion to last. So, I start baking for friends, colleagues and family. I make it a habit to bake at least once a week, be it cookies or cupcakes or muffins. I have to keep looking for new recipes. I have to keep exploring rather than feeling “safe” with the one-and-only recipe. I have to keep challenging myself!
My new mission is, learn to bake pineapple tarts! Andrew is a pineapple tarts fanatic. He can finish a whole jar of pineapple tarts within minutes!!! We only get to see or eat pineapple tarts during Chinese New Year. If I could bake it on my own, I can have it any time I want. When Andrew heard that I want to learn how to bake pineapple tarts, “GOOD! I like pineapple tarts!” First time he gave me respond like that on baking! Ish……. Just because it’s what he likes…… @__@
Few days ago, I saw a few of my friends on Facebook sharing and agreeing to this blog post by Seth Adam Smith, Marriage Isn’t For you. I read through, and I can’t seem to bring myself to agree with him like the rest.
Most of the times, we ask ourselves, why do I want to marry him/her? The answers, would always come to this, “I love her so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with her building our own family”. This statement alone, is a selfish one. Selfish, yet loving.
The moment someone decides to marry someone, that, is already a selfish decision. Marriage, is a promise to be loyal and faithful to one person till the day you die. By marrying someone, you are asking the other person to give up other courters now and in the future. Isn’t that selfish?
Marriage, is also a commitment. You commit to love and care for each other. We expect love and care from our spouse, because it works both ways. We walk into this marriage knowing very well that the other person will love and care for us, and vice versa. So, isn’t that selfish?
Most of us (if not all of us), married for love. We have heard or read many stories that couples went against their parents to marry someone that they truly love. That, is selfish, isn’t it?
“Love is about the person you love.” Yes, of course it is. Don’t we all know that? However, if loving someone doesn’t make me happy anymore, why should I continue to love selflessly? Love, is a two way street. Now, isn’t that selfish?
In the process of making someone happy, I hope that I will feel happy too. If I feel miserable while making my spouse feeling happy, what is the point? I certainly do not wish Andrew to feel miserable too while making me feel happy. We do things that make both of us happy. Well, from the look of it, isn’t that selfish?
To me, marriage is for US. So yes, marriage is for YOU.
It is not about family, or our future children. It is for me, right here, right now. I may not have children, but I know for sure I want this marriage to last as long as it can possibly last. As long as I can love, I will love. As long as I am happy to make him happy, I will give. As long as he is happy to make me happy, I will receive.
Marriage is selfish, because it is about the two persons who love each other, ONLY.
Marriage is selfish, because two persons have to compromise to make it work.
Marriage is selfish, because it is a journey of constant efforts that two persons have to make.
Marriage is for US, and only us. If you are not ready to love, compromise and work, then marriage isn’t for you.
Hong Lagoon, Krabi, 2013
P.S.: Haven’t we always heard, you have to learn to love yourself before you learn how to love others better? Love is selfish. It is an act that we do, hoping that we would earn the love from another person. I love myself. That means I will only love someone who will love me in return. I love myself enough to know that I shouldn’t love someone who can’t love me in return. Only our parents and God love us selflessly.
Before I made the decision to go for the D&C (Dilation and Curettage), I was so worried. It is only human nature to fear the unknown.
I was Google-ing frantically what it is all about. Although I’ve heard about it before, I didn’t know exactly what the patient would be going through. All I got from our miss Google was medical explanations, there is rarely any one shared about their personal experiences. I wanted to know if one would feel pain after the procedure, how long does it actually take (although the doctor already told me it would only take 20 minutes), how long does it take to recover…… I only found 2 stories shared by some kind souls. I know, I know, it is not something good that one would like to share and we definitely do not want others to go through the same thing. Well, here I am, sharing my own experience.
The day when the gynae told me the baby has stopped growing, I was given two options. One is to wait for it to miscarry naturally, which will take another two weeks to one month! Another options is to go for the D&C procedure. If at all I chose to do the D&C, I could choose to do it in his private clinic, or he could write me a referral letter to do it in HUKM.
I waited for another week, partly hoping that I would miscarry, partly because Andrew and I would like to get a second opinion. So, we went to Columbia Asia Setapak, which is like a stone throw away from where I live! Before this, I’ve done some reading in Lowyat forum that there is two good gynae’s in Columbia Asia Setapak. In fact, I wanted to come to Columbia Asia at a later stage of the pregnancy. I should have come earlier…… I should have……
Anyway, we went to see Dr. Mohd Suhaimi Hassan, a very nice and patience doctor. He did another ultrasound scan, and confirmed the bad news. Again, I was presented with two options. He said I could wait, but there’s a risk that I may end up in extreme pain or haemorrhaging or the miscarriage isn’t complete, I would then still need to go for a D&C. He told me that I could go back to the clinic for the D&C, or he could also give me a referral letter to go to HUKM, which is much cheaper. He advised me to better do it in the hospital and do it properly. It is very kind of him to remind us to return during weekdays as the hospital will usually charge a surcharge on a non-working day.
We went home, thought about the options. Actually I have sort of made up my mind to do the D&C in Columbia Asia. Firstly, I did not want to do the D&C in the clinic after knowing that I won’t be going under general anaesthesia. Secondly, after seeing Dr. Suhaimi, I don’t feel comfortable anymore to go back to the clinic. Thirdly, to go to HUKM, get myself registered again, and it’s a government hospital, I’m not sure if I would get a good gynae. Most importantly, I feel more comfortable and confident with Dr. Suhaimi. Andrew too is more comfortable with me doing it in Columbia Asia. He explained that it is expensive, but nonetheless we can still afford it.
Went in on 23 October morning. Dr. Suhaimi explained to me what he was going to do later and he assured me again that it is a very simple and easy procedure which would only take 15 to 20 minutes. I was nervous.
First time I had a cannula on my body, first time I wore the ever-so-sexy surgical gown, first time I lied on a hospital bed, first time I got wheeled on a bed, first time I was in a operating theatre…… All the first times that I did not wish to have!
I was only admitted to the daycare centre since the procedure didn’t require me to stay over night. The anaesthetist, Dr. Ganesh came to talk to me about the anaesthesia. Another nice doctor. I asked him how long does it take for me to go unconscious, he said 30 seconds. I was thinking, that is long. LOL! I found out later that he gave us the safest answer, it didn’t take 30 seconds for me to fell asleep. I remember him telling me in the OR that he was injecting the anaesthetic, I looked at him and he said, “if you feel sleepy you can sleep”. Immediately I felt some numbness on my back and the second I shifted my gaze back to the ceiling, I went “CONK”. LOL! There was no counting down like what we saw in the movies! I just zonked out! Less than 3 seconds!
I heard the nurse calling my full name, I opened my eyes and there I was, in the recovery room outside the OR. He told me that the procedure is over and it only took 15 minutes or so. That was quick. Good thing is, I did not have any sharp pain. Only dizziness caused by the anaesthetic. I was resting in the recovery room for another 5 or 10 minutes before I was wheeled to the daycare centre.
The moment I saw Andrew, I started weeping. I suddenly felt “empty”, and the reality hit hard. It is gone……
I was in the daycare centre for about 3 hours. Lucky me that I did not feel nausea or pain. The only pain I felt was from the cannula! It was on the side of my wrist bone, I don’t know why Dr. Suhaimi inserted it there. S*** man, it hurts a lot when the nurse trying to detach the tube (I was on drips) from it. Around 3pm, after Dr. Suhaimi came to check on me, I was good to go. Had to come back for a follow-up and report the following week.
I was curious though, I read from the web that the nurse would insert some pill to dilate the cervix, I did not get those. I was wheeled to the OR straight away. I forgot to ask the doctor.
I did not have heavy bleeding for three days. My luck was short-lived. The Saturday following the procedure, my stomach was so bloated and I had extremely bad cramps! It was like what people described about the contractions! What the F***!!!!!! It came every 5 minutes and I couldn’t even sleep. I was cursing and cursing, that was the day I cursed the most in my life! If this is too much information for you, please do not read the following sentence. I was gushing blood and clots and tissues during that day.
I took Panadol at night and lucky that it helped. I could sleep at night. However, the moment I woke up in the middle of the night, the pain came. Fortunately, the pain subsided a little the next day. I was feeling slightly better on Monday morning but in the afternoon, I had another episode of cramps and blood again.
I couldn’t wait till the follow-up on Wednesday, went to see Dr. Suhaimi on Tuesday morning. He said I shouldn’t be having the pain and bleeding that much, and he didn’t have patients that went through what I was going through. He’s worried of an infection. Did an ultrasound scan, my uterus is clean, only some tiny blood clots left which the doctor said it would either come out or absorb by my body. Anyway, he prescribed me another round of antibiotics.
I only started to feel good again on Thursday.
I just hope there won’t be any complications anymore.
At this age, I am still learning how to be more sensitive towards the feelings of others. At the same time, not to be overly sensitive over what insensitive people say and do.
Well, we are only human beings. We have feelings, and we feel hurt. We can’t help it, even when we keep telling ourselves “don’t”.
It still beats me to this day that why some people can be so insensitive. No, they are sensitive too, but they are insensitive towards others’ feelings.
These people, they do not like being questioned by others. However, they enjoy asking the same questions to others and causing pain. Here’s the example:
Miss X: Hey, when are you going to have your own baby? What are you waiting for? You’re not that young anymore, you know.
Miss Y: I think it’s none of your business. (Feeling sore and miserable by the questions.)
Miss Y: Hey, when are you going to have your own baby? What are you waiting for? You’re not that young anymore, you know.
Miss Z: Ermm…… I’m trying……
Miss X: When are you getting married? You two have been together for so long, it’s time, you know.
Miss Y: Well, he has yet to ask me to marry him. (Feeling more upset that Miss X pointed out the fact.)
Miss Y: When are you getting married? You two have been together for so long, it’s time, you know.
Miss Z: Ermm…… Soon……
They feel the pain of their own, yet they go on to cause the same pain on others. Why on earth would someone who is feeling the pain hurt another person to feel the pain too? What human beings are they? Don’t they know you “do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you”???? Is this some sort of revenge for what they’re going through? Or are they happier to see others suffer???
Just recently, I was craving for cakes and I wrote on my Facebook wall that I lost my appetite on food except cakes. Some commented that I am pregnant to have such cravings. Since when food cravings are limited to pregnant women only, for crying out loud?! My food cravings always come and go, don’t tell me you never have food cravings even when you’re not pregnant!
You know what is the pain about asking me if I was pregnant for having such cravings? You did not know that I just had a miscarriage. You did not know what I had gone through but you brilliantly went on to ask if I was pregnant. THAT, my dear, is the pain. I don’t blame you for not knowing what I went through, I only blame you for being so insensitive to judge and assume. If I hadn’t gone through a miscarriage, I too would have felt the pain because obviously, I wasn’t pregnant. And yes, you smarty pants just rang the bell of pain for me not being able to get pregnant. You could have just told me where to find delicious cakes to curb my cravings instead of bringing up the pregnancy stuff.
I deleted my status soon after that, because I do not want to see those questions again. Once again it proved that Facebook is such an evil place. I have to keep reminding myself not to post anything too personal anymore.
Everyone makes their own choices. We don’t usually like others to probe, but please don’t go probing too. You don’t know what others are going through and even if you think you know, you may not know it all. Some questions are better left unasked. What do you get even if you know the answer??? You get absolutely nothing. So what if you know??? You feel happy or sad for them??? Then, what can you do??? Absolutely nothing. Don’t cause pain when you know you can avoid it.
Next time, before you ask that question, ask yourself, has that anything to do with you?
Oh, if your friend wants you to know, you don’t even have to ask.
P.S.: I am glad that I have a few close friends that never ever ask me when am I planning to have a baby. It isn’t that they don’t care, they just know there’s no need to ask. Aren’t you grateful to have met friends like this? These are the people that I love surrounding myself with.
Sorry for the lack of updates here. October was clearly not a good month for me. The same thing happened last year, it happened again this year. I start to hate October. I wish someone could take out October.
I thought this time would be different, because I did feel a little different. I was wrong.
I was pregnant and I miscarried. This time, it was worse. I was 10 weeks when the foetus stopped growing, and I didn’t miscarry naturally. I had to go through a D&C to get rid of the pregnancy.
It was raining, on the day I got the bad news. I couldn’t help but blamed the god, if you’ve given me this gift, why did you have to take it away? Don’t give me something and take it back later! Don’t come tell me that you’re sorry that it was not meant to be.
I went from being sad to mad. I grieved, I blamed, I wondered, and finally, I got over it. All within a week.
I was surprised that this time, I coped so well.
Sometimes, I couldn’t help but think, would things be different if I were to go to the gynae that I’m seeing now? I should have gone to this gynae instead of the other one…… I shouldn’t have waited……
Now, there is still this tiny bit of sadness in the back of my mind. Two miscarriages…… How can I not feel sad? One put me in an operating theatre for the first time in my life…… How can I ever forget that?
The bad news, the D&C, the long medical leave, the pain, the recovery…… All happened in the month of October.
Please, can someone make me forget OCTOBER?
The child, that was not meant to be. Mommy loves you and you are always in my heart. Goodbye my angel, please watch over us.
She is offended
I become speechless
I do it
She does it
I must compliment
I am angry
She calls me sensitive
She is angry
I have to say sorry
I make mistake
She says idiot
She makes mistake
I must forgive
I say no
She says stubborn
She says no
I shall be grateful
She says weird
I must agree
Not everyone understands
It is never fair
Not everyone sees
It is difficult
To be that someone
Who is always at the other end
Being told, “it is never fair”
Sometimes, I wish people would stop saying “it is never fair” to justify their unfair treatments towards others. I so wish to ask them, “can I then be unfair to you since it is never fair?”
I was laughing hysterically and thought it would be not cool not to share this.
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
It may sound absurd but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it’s not easy to be me
~ Superman, Five For Fighting
Suddenly, it just rang in my head.
It’s not easy, to be me.
I am no hero,
I am no saint.
However, it’s not easy.
I am not even trying to be perfect,
And it is already so hard.
I am not complaining.
For I know there are people,
Who are experiencing things far worse.
I am merely self-reflecting.
If everyone could treat everyone,
With real respect and love,
It would be much easier.
For all of us,
To be REAL.
You have to be real to others,
Before others can be real to you.
Photo taken by Andrew, on Samsung Galaxy S3.
I haven’t been blogging for a while.
I miss writing. I miss ME in writing. I think better and clearer when I write, and it takes things off my mind for a while. I usually return to my daily routine with a happier thought right after blogging/writing.
Not writing recently, has kind of made me sour.
Not writing means I don’t spend time to gather my thoughts. They are everywhere and because of that, I sulk very often lately.
I think a lot about work, until I couldn’t find my way out. I am still figuring what I should do next. I’ve sort of given myself another 2 years, but I am not happy with that. I am so tired of giving myself another year and another year, and keep telling myself things will get better. In fact, I am so tired of giving myself excuses.
I want to find my passion in doing something again. I need to find that spark again, so that I can move on instead of standing here. I hate myself not being passionate about something, this is not me. I am always passionate about something and I will always find ways to achieve something. Me running in circle and see no end? This is not me, so not me.
I feel sad very easy since more than a month ago. The trip to Krabi couldn’t even lift my spirit. I did feel happy when I was on vacation, but the sadness caught up very quickly as soon as I returned. Sad about what? I am not very sure. Partly work, partly myself. I feel sad that I feel helpless. I feel sad that I am not myself. I feel sad that I am sad. There were a few times I would cry for no apparent reason.
I am very, very, very tired of playing another Ashley, the Ashley at work. Seven years, I’ve toned down a lot in terms of my temper, yet it is still not enough. People still expect me to show no temper at all, that I shouldn’t get upset of what they said to me even when it is mean. People still think that I am not good enough. They still think that I am still that stubborn cow seven years ago. They still say that I am petty and sensitive. I am known for my temper, but I am not petty and sensitive. Now you see, they say things about me. I am only human, just like every one else. I have emotions too. I am very tired of trying to be better in front of them. I am very tired that I can’t be myself in front of them. It gets to me so much now that I get really tired to talk in front of them. I am just getting extremely tired of being someone that I am not. I have cried to Andrew that why do I need to put myself so low to be accepted by others? I can’t do it. I just can’t.
All I want to be is the REAL me. I don’t think I am a bad person to deserve ill treatments and bad-mouthing. We are not perfect, I am not trying to be perfect. I am only trying to be better. How can you keep telling me that I am not perfect when you yourself are not perfect either?
How can you expect me to be emotionless when you yourself are sensitive?
How can you expect me to swallow it all when you couldn’t take it at all?
How can you expect me to be tactful when the first thing you said is already so hurtful?
How can you expect me to be truthful when you are the one who go behind my back and talk?
How can you expect me to forgive when you hold grudges?
I am only human. Don’t expect me to be all the things that you are not just because, you are not.
This is what writing does to me, I feel a little relieved now. I can now channel my negative energy somewhere else.
Tomorrow is always a new day, I always believe in that.
And tomorrow, I shall write again. :)
I was supposed to post this before the Chinese New Year. I don’t know why it’s been sitting in my “draft” for so long.
We did a fair bit of shopping for the coming Chinese New Year, spent a whole lot of money!
Nope, I am not trying to have a big fat CNY. Those things that we bought are actually for the house. One year after moving into the new place, we still have boxes of stuff yet to be unpacked. All because of the tight budget and we can’t possibly buy everything all together.
Finally, bought some more book shelves from IKEA. It’s not completed, still need to get the doors for some of them later.
Every time we went to IKEA, we would always end up buying more stuff than we planned.
I’ve always wanted to get a carpet for our bedroom, thought of getting the same one as the one we have in the living room. Then, Andrew spotted a bigger one at RM299. Out of the blue, he said, “why not we move the one in the living room to the bedroom and get this bigger one for the living room?” Hmm…… Makes sense. So we went to pick up the HAMPEN high pile rug (RM299).
When I looked at the real thing, I was a bit concerned about the size. It is 160x230cm, which may be too long for our living hall. I was struggling there whether to buy it. Thanks to Andrew’s sharp eyes, he saw another rug priced at RM299 too! It’s a low pile rug though, but it is square. We were not sure of how it’s gonna look in the living hall, but with the IKEA’s 100 days return policy, we took the risk. It fits perfectly fine and looks great!
I was really headache with the dressing table in the bedroom. Whether to get a table, a wall shelf or a chest of 6 drawers which the top can double up as a table top. For a year I’ve been applying make up in the bathroom and sitting on the floor applying my skincare. @__@ Why took so long? Firstly, I couldn’t find a dressing table that I like in IKEA and I do not trust the local furniture shop anymore. I was eyeing the chest of 6 drawers in IKEA but it was out of my budget, needed to save up then. This time, I know I couldn’t wait no more. I went ahead with the wall shelf. I.NEED.A.PROPER.PLACE.FOR.MY.MAKEUP.AND.SKINCARE. Got one shelf for now, thinking of adding another one later and get some baskets to make them like drawers, sort of. Can’t believe this LACK wall shelf is so cheap, RM59 only!
Since we were already there, and to cut down another headache, we got a king size quilt from IKEA too. Saved us the hassle of going through all the brands in Isetan/AEON and burn a big hole in our pockets. MYSA STRA quilt, warmth rate 3, at RM129 for king size. You may tell me that it isn’t good for that kind of price. Well, I have had cheap comforter which I’ve used for 7 years. If this can last us a good 5 years, I would say it is good enough. Update: This is really a warmer and worth all the penny! It’s not too warm and not too thin. Perfect in any weather.
On our way to “check out”, while I picked up some photo frames, Andrew saw this magnetic board and he got this crazy (okay, maybe not that crazy) idea. He wanted to get 3 magnetic boards so that we could stick our photos on it and that way, won’t damage the wall too. THREE magnetic board!!! I am “looking forward” to seeing how he’s gonna do that. Sometimes his spontaneous impressed me, but I always have doubt on the “implementation” part. :P Let’s just see. Update: Still much work to do to make this thing looks really “impressive”, I wonder when will my man get to do it. :|
We have also bought a few small items, which I will not mention all of them here.
So, my house is full of IKEA’s stuff. What choice do I have when the local furniture shops failed me big time.
It’s been weeks since I last blogged.
I miss writing, I definitely do. It’s just I don’t have the luxury of time to sit and think, and reflect. I sometimes get scared that the time goes by so fast and I have not done enough to achieve what I want to achieve. Frustration is catching up real fast… and stress.
I have always pride myself for able to deal with my stress beautifully, but recently I find myself giving in to the stress easily.
I am busy at work, but not that kind of busy that I will bury myself in work until I forgot to take my lunch or having a break. However, the stress level is very high. Tasks that cannot be done within the deadlines, outstanding issues that cannot be solved within a short period of time, prolonged issues from the past that keep haunting me every now and then, ad-hoc stuffs that required more attention and time, important but not urgent tasks that need more time than the rest, ongoing projects or assignments that can’t seem to end, people problems or issues that keep creeping back, constantly on my guards for fear that someone would stab me in the back again even-though I know I did not make any mistake……
I used to be passionate about what I’m doing, but I think I lost my passion somewhere along the road.
When you give your passion and effort whole-heartedly, what you get is disappointments and frustrations all the time, you can’t help but feel demotivated. I put in more passion and effort when I feel demotivated. I fuel my motivation from inside, but now I can’t do it anymore. I feel like an empty shell that I have nothing to give anymore, and I have nothing to draw from anymore.
I don’t know where this road will take me if I continue to stay on this path……
The only thing that makes me stay on this path now is the monetary reward, nothing else.
I seriously don’t know how long I can take all this.
I am blessed with a “rounded” body and small frame (I’m not petite thought). That’s saying I don’t look fat even when I really put on weight. That’s the dangerous part. I can cheat and deceive the whole world, even myself, that I am not fat.
Everyone looks at me, and they will go, “you’re so slim!” The truth is, I don’t look fat.
Ok, I’m not fat. So Ashley, what’s the fuss over the big butt now?
Because, I am having a hard time buying new skirt and pants! That’s why!
My mom was shocked too when she took measurements of my hips, “aiyoyo! Why your butt so big?!” Excuse me, mom, you’re the one who gave me this body, remember?
No one believes me when I told them about my hips measurement, “are you serious? Do you know how to measure? Did you measure correctly? Your measuring tape has problem? You certainly don’t look that big…… Please lah, your butt is not that big lah……” :( Why in the world would I lie about that? *Cries*
People usually can’t believe that I’m wearing a size S top but a size M (sometimes size L) bottom. I now start having problem with dresses. Size S dresses can’t seem to fit my butt now and size M will be too loose on the top. :( Unless they’re made of stretchable materials. I have already sent a few of my dresses (which I bought online) for alteration. The butt fits me just fine, but I have to alter the waist. The tailor in the shop said, “you have the right butt, but small waist, that’s why”. @__@
Really, I’m not fat, but I have a BIG butt! TT___TT
Have you ever had that moment, that when your friend posted a photo on Facebook, you feel obligated to click the LIKE button?
It is just a normal than normal photo, you don’t even like the photo, but you click the LIKE button for the sake of liking.
You feel that if you don’t LIKE it, someday your friend’s gonna question you “why you never LIKE my photos”.
Or some will even ask you, “didn’t you see my photo the other day? You never notice me on Facebook. You don’t even care.”
It’s pathetic. Since when our friendship depends on the LIKEs on Facebook?