Life is the art of drawing without an eraser ~ John W. Gardner

Author Archive

10 Things Married Women Are So Sick of Hearing

Saw this article on Women’s Health FB page and out of curiosity, I read it. They’re pretty hilarious and TRUE.

10 Things Married Women Are So Sick of Hearing

1. So, when are you going to have kids?

This is what I get the most! I know it’s the society norm to get married and have kids, but it is not an absolute thing that a married couple MUST do. I don’t know why people like to ask this question as if it has anything to do with them whether or not I have kids!

2. What’s it like?

When I just got married, people (single especially) around me liked to ask, “so, how is married life?” Seriously, are you really interested to know?

3. You’re different now.

I often got comments like this when I cracked a joke or when I UNDERSTAND some dirty jokes. “Whoa, now that you’re married you’re totally different! Hey, you talk different after you’re married! Oooohhhh, someone’s become naughty after she got married.” –___– Give me a break!

4. When are you changing your name?

Lucky I never get this.

5. Are you going to buy a house?

I got this very often too. Trust me, they never stopped asking until the day I put my down-payment on the house. And after that, the question changed to, “when are you moving to your new house? Are you going to renovate it big time?” @__@

6. What do you think of your in-laws?

What I got is, “how are you getting with your in-laws? Good? Are they good people?” Really, I don’t see how it concerns you. If it’s my parents and close friends who genuinely care, I don’t mind.

7. Do you ever get sick of each other?

Andrew and I are very much in love, I can’t speak on his behalf but I know I always like to be together with him. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I will always like to go and do it with him. When people know that we’re two love birds who can’t separate from each other, they often ask me, “C’mon, you’ll have to be more independent. Aren’t you sick of seeing each other everyday? Don’t you need some alone time?” Yes, we do, we don’t go to the toilet together. ARGH!

8. I could never get married.

No, no one has said this to me.

9. You wouldn’t understand: You’re married.

Yes, someone used to say this to me A LOT. Like the writer said, it’s like I’ve been married since the day I was born and I was never single. When I was single and didn’t have a boyfriend, the same person used to say “you wouldn’t understand: You’re never in love”.

10. Is he your best friend?

I only have people asking me, “do you tell him everything? Do you keep secrets from him? Oh, you do tell him everything. So, he’s your best friend huh?” DUH!


How Do I Teach My Children In The Future?

The recent “Soup Kitchens Ban” news spread like wildfire.

I am aware that there are a lot volunteers out there feeding the homeless, my colleague is one of them. When I heard “some” minister cleverly suggested to ban soup kitchens just because he thinks it’s not good for the city image, I was shock.

Our city image, not just tarnished by the homeless and beggars, but also by a bunch of people who do not know how to manage the city!

If stop feeding the homeless can really get rid of the homeless problem, I think we should stop paying salaries to the government servants and make them all volunteers to curb corruptions. Isn’t that the same theory?

Also, the homeless now at least get one proper meal (and it’s not a luxury 3-course meal) in a day, if no helps come their way in the future, who knows they may get desperate and start robbing or stealing just to get a meal to live on. The government is already not helping these people, and now they want to ban volunteers from lending a helping hand? Worse, punish the person who helps.

Andrew has always been a kind soul to people who need helps. He would always give a dollar or two to those who asked, but he doesn’t just give to anyone that comes. He’s very good in observing. We used to bump into a man with his wife in a restaurant asking for donation, Andrew has given him money a few times. One day I asked him, “the man is clearly capable of working, why do you still give him money?” “Did you see the wife? She doesn’t look mentally healthy, and you look at the man’s shirt and hands, the fingers and nails are all dirty and black, obviously he has a job, some hard labor maybe. I think he needs extra money for the wife’s medical expenses.” I was so touched and surprised that he could see so much that I didn’t. From that moment onwards, I’ve told myself to see beyond. I would also love to teach my children (not just my own, my friends’, my nephews and nieces, any child) to always be kind like Andrew but see beyond and know when to help.

If at all we were banned (and fined) from helping the needy, how on earth am I supposed to teach my children in the future?

NO! You can’t help them, you’ll get fined!

NO! You shouldn’t give them food or money, the police will fine you!

“But mom, the books and teachers told us we have to be kind and help those in need.”

What will the world become without empathy and kindness? Everyone will be so selfish.

I seriously don’t want my children to live in that kind of world.


Type-r

I have been writing (I mean typing) a lot, but posted nothing. Every time when I was half way through, I read from the top and I deleted everything. What crap I wrote. I seriously don’t know what’s going on with me, I can’t write like I used to.

I’ve been reading, but I don’t get inspired to write.

I’ve been watching movies, but I don’t feel the urge to blog about them.

I’ve been living (yes, of course!), but I don’t feel the energy to write about my life anymore.

I’ve been working and challenges never stop, but I don’t dwell on them anymore.

A lot of things happened, but I just can’t seem to put them into words.

I have thought of a lot of things that I could write, but when my fingers lingering on the keyboard and eyes looking at this white space, everything just goes out the window.

It’s getting worse lately, I am so lazy to write, or even think. I’d rather be a couch potato watching television shows all day. Sigh……

I need motivation……


Clock Is Ticking

How many people have reminded me that my clock is ticking…… My biological clock that is…… More precise, “you’re not young anymore Ashley, when are you going to have a baby?”

However, I think people got bored of asking me that question already. :) I get lesser of that nowadays. Friends have stopped asking actually. Perhaps they know what I have gone through and they know by asking the question again would have brought up some unhappy memories. My family has too stopped asking me that. They know very well whatever my decision is, I have my reason and they understand. Only a few will still ask me the question when they see me, but they don’t bother me because they’re not important to me.

When I see a baby, I will go “awww…… Look at her/him, so cute!” When I remember the time taking care of my niece, I will go “OMG!!! Can’t she just sit still?! Can’t I have 5 minutes of me time?! Milk again?! Didn’t she just eat?! Potty!!!” I faint. Of course, there are times that she will be real sweet and cute and behave herself.

I must say that I got very selfish now. I’ve been enjoying the freedom far too long and I now don’t seem to know how to share my time with others. I freak out the moment I realise there won’t be any TV time at night when I get home from work. My head spins a little when I think of the time I’ll be spending in doing all the washing and changing diapers. Also, I don’t get to watch movies whenever I feel like, I won’t have time for Andrew and he won’t have more time for me, we won’t be holding hands when we go out anymore because we will be pushing the stroller and carrying the bag, we can’t travel together anymore without having to worry and care for another person…… I am selfish, I want Andrew all to myself. I can’t even imagine sharing him with my own child. @__@ Having a child is a lifetime commitment, there won’t be an end to it……

The question of to have a child or not, has again come to the surface. I love babies but I just don’t think I can take care of one. Yes, you may tell me the mother instinct will kick in when you have a child. Yes, you will tell me the baby’s smile will worth all the hardships that you’ll have to go through. I know, I know all of that very well. However, I have doubt in myself. And yes, you will tell me everyone has doubt in themselves until they have their own child.

What is the purpose of having a child?

Is it wrong to not have a child?

I am not sure of what to do now. To have, or not to have?

Andrew said, let the nature take its course.

I can’t. I’m not one who doesn’t plan and leave everything to nature’s hands.

Your clock is ticking, Ashley. It is ticking……


Super Dry

No, I’m not talking about the brand. And NO, not about sex! (Hmm…… Maybe someday I should write something about sex. I’ve never tried writing about it. HA!)

My sense of writing is at its super low now and my creativity is super DRY!!!!!!!! Perfect timing with the water rationing recently, DRY!

I’ve picked up a new book to read, hoping that it would get me “replenished” and motivate me to write something again. ARGH! It’s not helping. I am flipping the pages merely for the fun of reading the book, my brain doesn’t seem to bother to digest and save some vocabs for use later. I really enjoy reading the book, and that’s it. Don’t ask me if I’ve learned a new word or two from it. No, I’ve NOT. :(

Watching movies doesn’t make me think or reflect too.

Reading blogs doesn’t seem to do the trick too.

Listening to stories doesn’t motivate me to write something about it too.

What happened lah????!!!!!!! I have actually written a few blog posts but I stop half way on all of them…… Half way through, I felt that I was writing rubbish. LOL!

Don’t worry, I am not abandoning my blog.


Short Story #2 – The Bench

It was their favorite spot.

They loved to come here together. It was also a place where they would come when they needed to get away from it all, including getting away from each other.

They would sit there, shoulder to shoulder. Holding hands, looking at the magnificent lake, listening to the rattling leaves and allowing the breeze to caress their faces.

“If only we could waste our days away just like this”, she would always suggest.

“Not wasting, my love. Not wasting.” And he would always remind her. How could it be wasting when they were actually creating memories together?

“You know what I mean.” She would roll her eyes, as always. And he would pull her closer, kiss her hair and say, “Indeed, I do.”

Today, the need to get away from everything came knocking hard. Sitting on the same bench, looking at the same old beautiful lake, listening to the falling leaves and breathing in the cool air.

He caressed the bench, the empty seat beside him…… Solid, sturdy, polished…… Cold.

She had always loved this bench, it was love at first sight when they moved here. They would always come here looking for the other person after an argument. Arguments turned into hugs and kisses here.

Now, he was enjoying all these, without her. He missed her, so very much……

He was hoping, that she would come get him, as usual.

“I’ll be waiting, my love. And I’ll be ready when you come. Just don’t let me wait too long.” He whispered into the wind……

Bench

*I do not own this photo. Photo from the internet.*


I Need Hope

It’s beyond words…… I can’t believe that I’m reliving the pain and heartache…… For people that I don’t personally know.

In the past, I only felt a brief moment of sadness when I heard a plane crashed. This time, it is my country’s airline…… It is so close to home and heart. 239 lives…… I feel more than just pain……

We all went from hopeful, to now hopeless. That is the hardest part, to accept the fact that all hopes are gone now. Miracles will not happen.

For a stranger like me to feel so much, it must be overwhelming and so hard for the family members……

Anger will come…… It is part of the process of grieving…… Our government better be prepared to provide answers. People, will not take ambiguity and avoidance anymore.

If the debris confirmed to be of the MH370, I will feel angry too……

Why did it turn back? Why did it end up in the Indian Ocean? Why didn’t someone pick up anything on the radar? Why was the communication system deliberately turned off? Why would someone do such thing? Why didn’t the government tell us earlier? Why waited for so long?

I need to feel hopeful again.


Writing Ain’t Easy, But It’s Fun

Generally, I love to write. Most of the times, I express myself better in writing.

Recently I just have this crazy desire to write story…… Or I should say I have always been wanting to try writing a story. I’ve been writing about myself and what is happening in my life. I have not really tried writing a fictional story.

I’m a person who likes to dream. I’m not talking about those goals that I would like to achieve. I’m talking about daydreaming, imagining and let the thoughts wander…… Of course I don’t daydream when I work lah. I don’t daydream as much as I did when I was much younger. The window of time for me to be idle and let the thoughts wander is getting smaller and smaller. However, when I get that chance, I’ll just let my mind run free and imagine all things that I would love to imagine. I’ve never put those thoughts and imaginations to words. Now, I think it’s time for me to do that.

My vocabulary is at its worst lately. Many a times I couldn’t find the right word to express what I want to express. I have no one to blame but myself, for not reading at all for the past one year. Only did some reading on the internet. ARGH! Pick up a book and read, Ashley! Stop procrastinating! @__@

You’ll be seeing “short story” posts in the future. Of course, don’t expect incredibly fantastic stories from me. I’m not Patricia Cornwell or Dan Brown. :P

 


Short Story #1 – Mistake

The noise. The crowds. The lights. The faces. Everything seemed to be overwhelming tonight.

She gently swept her hair to the side.

She bit her lower lip, where he used to kiss.

The mere thought of it made her blushed.

Sitting in the restaurant, alone, waiting for him to show.

“He’s not going to come……” She thought.

“I love you, my dear.” He whispered in her ear two days ago. She was silly enough to believe that it was true.

She asked for the bill, and left the restaurant that they used to share dinner together.

He saw her leaving the restaurant. The look on her face made him wanted to run to her and hold her tight.

He knows he couldn’t. It was a mistake to tell her that he loved her. He had to right the wrong and let go.

“Let go…… You don’t belong to me, my love.” He whispered to himself.


Is Dress Code Necessary In An Organisation?

If you’ve been following me on my blog, or read enough, you’d know by now what my profession is. On and off I have to crack my head and squeeze out some extra brain juice for the company policies.

Sometimes I wonder, we are all adults, we should be able to know what is right, what we should do and what we should not do, why do we still need so many rules and policies to discipline us? On the other hand, I know there are people who will try very hard to find the loopholes and push the limits just so that they benefit more from the restricted situation. Sigh…… Trust me, we human are very creative when it comes to rule-breaking.

I’m not talking about a dress code that you have to follow strictly on what to wear. It’s more of a guideline on what is considered inappropriate in the office environment. Without a clear guidelines, people tend to test the limits. For example, when you say “appropriate length”, everyone has their own interpretation of appropriate length. What I deem short, the other person may not think so. Some think that as long as it’s slightly longer than a mini skirt, it’s fine. Some think that as long as it looks smart and neat then it’s fine to be short. I have even seen some fashion boutiques labelling some mini dresses as “work wear”.

I have people telling me that, “my butt is big, so the skirt looks shorter on me…… I am taller, that’s why it’s short.” How does that justify you wearing short? When you go to buy your clothes, don’t you try them on? If it appears to be short, do you still insist on buying? No harm to dress pretty for work, but pretty doesn’t mean you can’t look professional. I am tall too (5’7″), but I don’t use that as an excuse to wear something short.

I don’t deny that I did wear something short, but when someone told me it is short, I took note and I don’t wear it to work again. There were also times that I myself felt that it’s short when I was in the office and I don’t wear it again. When I buy clothes, I take extra note on the length of skirt and pants. It really makes me wonder, why can’t others do the same?

I really don’t wish the company to impose such strict rules on what we wear. We are all adults, we should know better how to discipline ourselves better. We are not children that need to be told what is right or wrong. Be a grown up, dress according to your profession and age.

I’m not some old lady who doesn’t have a fashion sense, and I’m not jealous of people wearing short skirts but I don’t. I do wear short skirts and mini dresses, not to work though. I just think you are portraying the company’s image through your actions, that includes what you wear.

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This is a pretty dress, but is it appropriate for work?

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Yes, I’ve seen people wearing this short to work.

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I would love to wear these dresses, but not to work definitely.

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Again, it runs a little too short for office wear.

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Does pairing a mini dress with tights/stockings make a mini dress looks professional?

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Now, I can totally see myself wearing these to work.

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Yes, I’ve seen people wore this to work too. On a smart casual dress down day though.

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And yes, I’ve seen people wearing this too and they think it looks “professional” just because they wore a working shirt.

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Please tell me I’m not being too strict or conservative.

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My skirts are mostly this length.

P.S.: I find Corporette has the coolest advice on female office wear.


我变了吗?

有人说
我变了
我说
是吗

卸下面具
做回自己

是快乐
是解放
是自我
也是自私
更是自在

没有了虚伪
没有了假装

不阿谀奉承,错吗?
不随波逐流,坏吗?

有人爱
有人恨
有人骂
有人疼

领悟了

自己快乐
才能带给别人快乐

回头看看
那副被卸下的面具


真的
变了吗?

~ Ashley

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戴着面具,就像隔着一层玻璃。有时,也只是为了保护自己。


Say It, Before It’s Too Late

Have you told your loved ones lately that you love them?

Friends, family, partner, co-workers, pets……

About a month ago, one of my long-time internet chat friends, lost her battle to dengue fever. When another mutual chat friend told me the news, I didn’t want to believe it. It was early in the morning and I was on my way to work. I thought he was joking and it wasn’t funny. “Check her Facebook, Ashley”, he said. I checked her Facebook, I was shocked to see people leaving messages telling her how much they miss her and all the rest in peace messages. I felt surreal. How could she be dead? It’s gotta be a mistake…… I did not want to believe that she’s gone. It was when I reached the office that the reality started to set in. Then the first thing that came to my mind was, I did not tell her that I love her and she’s always been a great friend. Now, I don’t have the chance to tell her that anymore.

That day onwards, I’ve been telling people around me that I love them. If something happens to me, at least they know that I love them.

My heart aches so much for the missing MH370. It hits so close to heart that I’ve been secretly swallowing my tears whenever I think of it. I can only imagine how hard it is for the family members.

Have you told your loved ones lately that you love them?


Living For Pain

It is strange
How you feel about me
How I feel about you

It should not be

It is odd
The way you look at me
The way I look to you

It must not be

It is bizarre
How time has worked for you
How time has worked on me

It can not be

It is not real
This is not real

To not feel the pain
To not see the pain
To not live the pain

It is painful to be awake
It is staying awake that can save me

Save me
Will you?

Save me.

~ Ashley

P.S.: How many of us can really pull ourselves back together after a tragedy? How many of us can really let go and live with the pain? They said, time is the best healer. But they forgot, there is some pain, even the best healer in the world cannot heal. The movie Snowpiercer inspired me to write this. Chris Evans’ character was living with a pain that he cannot let go. We can only try to forget, but we never really forget. We can only pray for the strength to overcome the pain, and live on.

snowpiercer

Worth watching, if you can ignore some of the non-logical parts. A pretty inspiring story. Don’t be surprised when you see the Korean language in the trailer. It is a Korean movie, by a Korean director. But the movie is in English, don’t worry. :P


Watch. Me. Daniel Wellington

I am not so much of a jewellery person. I’m just plain lazy to wear them. There is only one thing that I will feel uncomfortable if I don’t wear it when I go out (other than clothes). A watch.

I love watches. However, I don’t have many watches. I am pretty loyal to my watches. :P

I used to have one watch for casual, and one for work. That’s it. I only change my watch when it really reaches the end of its life. However, watches don’t go spoil or rot. I usually buy new watch when the old one is beyond repair, or I couldn’t find a compatible replacement strap when the original one is torn. That means, I only buy new watch every 5 or 6 years. LOL! If everyone were like me, the shops will be out of business very soon. :P

Recently, things changed a little. :D

Few months ago, I saw this Daniel Wellington watch on Fancy. The simplicity of the design caught my eyes. I went Google for it, read about it, looked up more of its photos…… I fell in love with it. You can go to their website if you want to know about their history.

I’ve read reviews that it is not worth the price since it is running on a Japanese quartz movement, and people always said with that kind of price, you could get a better one (I’ve even read people making fun of the backwards “D” on the watch :P). I was struggling for a while. What they said is true, with that kind of price, and if I just top up a little, I could get a much better watch. However, the beauty of the DW watch has kind of won me over. The more I looked at it, the more I wanted it. I was resisting the urge to buy it…… Until last month. I don’t care whether it’s Japanese quartz or not, I just love it and I want it.

Wanted to get a Valentine’s gift for Andrew, I decided it was a great excuse for me to buy it then. Hahaha. The price of the watch on Fancy, is the same with the price on Daniel Wellington’s website. I saw on DW’s website that you can enter “discount code” at check-out. Out of the blue, something struck me. I went Google for “Daniel Wellington discount voucher”. When I saw those discount codes, I nearly screamed “YOU’RE SUCH A GENIUS ASHLEY!” LOL! It was near Valentine’s day, so there was this Valentine’s day discount code for 20% off all items! And guess what, DW was doing free shipping worldwide! I bought 2 watches immediately without much ado. Lucky I decided to buy it through DW website instead of Fancy.

It is actually cheaper for us (Malaysia) to buy from DW website as the price will be reduced due to the VAT since we’re not the European country. However, I did pay for the import duty tax when I received the watches, RM18.36. I was so happy when I got the watches, within 4 days after I placed my order! Hats off to UPS. Here’s  the watches all the way from Sweden.

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Classic Sheffield Lady (silver) and Classic Bristol (rose gold). I’ve also gotten 2 NATO straps. Oh, did I mention that the straps are interchangeable as long as they’re the same size? That is another reason why I love DW watches. DW is so kind and considerate to include the pin so that we can change the straps on our own without having to go to a shop. I’ve not tried changing the straps yet. It’s a pity that the women watch is different size from the men watch. I can’t swap straps with Andrew’s. Hahaha. I got myself a silver face and black leather strap since I already got a rose gold Titus. Got the rose gold for Andrew since he only has silver watches. Indirectly, I made Andrew a DW fan too. LOL! He doesn’t love it as much as I do. To him, it’s a nice watch.

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I’m not only impressed with the full leather box, but also the THICK leather straps. The strap is so thick and I think it will take some time to break in. I’ve been wearing it for 2 weeks now, the leather is curved but it still doesn’t “hug” my wrist. Unlike my Titus, it took only a week of wearing to break in and feeling soft. I don’t have to worry that I couldn’t find a matching strap when this one breaks, as long as DW is in the business, I get to order a new one online.

I regretted for not getting the men size for myself after I tried it on. It still looks cool on my wrist ler and I’ve always liked BIG watch. Oh, the diameter of DW women classic is 36mm while for the men it is 40mm. From the photo they don’t look much different but they are when you put them on your wrist. I’m also pretty surprised of how thin it is. I thought it was the illusion since it is bigger. I took my Titus out and compared and I wasn’t convinced. So I compared it with Andrew’s Seiko, wow, DW has a thinner body indeed. And it’s lighter.

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Glad that I got the silver face with black leather. It’s so versatile. It still looks “right” even when I’m wearing jeans and t-shirt. My rose gold Titus tends to only go well with formal wear.

Love the simple face design. Some complained that there isn’t at least a date display. To me, that is pure simplicity and DW truly understands the purpose of a watch, to tell the time. If you need to know the date, please go look at the calendar. :P

Now, I have more than 2 watches. My next target is, Panerai. I wonder when will I be able to own a Panerai…… @__@

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I’m a happy DW fan. :)


Robocop 2014

I’m getting more and more lazy to write movie review. Sigh…… I think I’m getting lazy at writing. Not good, not good at all.

The most anticipated movie since last year, is finally on the big screen. Ever since the trailer was out, I couldn’t stop watching it. Just love how cool the black Robocop looks! That black helmet with the red light and that masculine suit. Ooooohhhhh…… I must say Iron Man would look old in front of the black Robocop. :P

Robocop isn’t stranger to me. My father loves the movie, we’ve watched it together countless of times. Also, there was a Robocop drama series. Back then, Robocop was huge and cool. We especially love the part where the gun was kept in the leg and how he flipped the gun every time before he put it back in. :D Okay, that was the technology back then. It was cool enough to make us go “wow”, ok. :P

The new Robocop, coolest Robocop ever of course. However, when I saw he first stepped out of the factory that Alex Murphy was in for his restructure, I was speechless. China!!! In the middle of some paddy field in China!!! What the…… Since when Robocop is made in China??????!!!!!!! My gosh…… Does the director need to be so realistic to show that “everything is now made in China”?????? @______@ China!!! China……. *Shakes head* China!!!!!!! Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against “made in China”. It’s just…… Robocop made in China…… -___- I didn’t see that coming……

What I don’t understand later is, they have the exact same facility back in their homeland, why bothered to bring him all the way to China then? What? Brought him there to assemble and then brought him back? @__@

The story was a little different, which I’ve guessed so. Can’t possibly remake a film based 100% on the old film mah. I find the story a little boring though. Enjoyed the effects and the whole Robocop scenes more.

Actually, it is cruel to let Alex Murphy survive. Both Andrew and I felt pity for him. But don’t we all want our loved ones to live as long as they could although it would mean to give up the life that they used to live? It’s debatable I guess……

Not a bad movie, I still enjoyed it. I guess Robocop fans would never say that it’s a bad movie. :P


“You Are Just Too Sensitive”

I know exactly what my strengths and weaknesses are. I have a not-so-cool temper (which has become better these days) and I can be blunt at times.

When someone keeps telling me over and over again that I am “too sensitive”, I started to question myself. All my life before I met this person, no one has ever told me that I am too sensitive.

When I started questioning myself, I also started to find answers. I found out that, I am not the one who is sensitive. That person who told me that I am is actually the one who’s always being too sensitive to everything I say and do. He/she is the one who always misunderstands what I say or do and then replies with something hurtful, and then goes on and calls me being “too sensitive” when I react. What? Am I supposed to take all the crap that you give me and I’m not allowed to even flinch?

I don’t get sensitive when I’m around others, others don’t tell me that I am sensitive. Only this particular person who is constantly telling me and others that I am “TOO SENSITIVE”.

I was so curious and I Google-d what actually being “too sensitive” means. Found this that explains so well, Been Told You’re “Too Sensitive”?

Your boundaries are your boundaries. It’s not up to anyone else to tell you about your own comfort levels or ‘correct’ them to fit around their own agenda.

Your feelings are your feelings. Some people aren’t bothered by certain things but that doesn’t invalidate your position. And yes, some people aren’t bothered by certain things because they have empathy issues so as long as they ‘feel’ (they’re not tapping into many emotions) OK with something and like their perspective, they won’t understand what you’re ‘in a flap’ about.

I have made a lot of changes to myself lately. Especially at work. I am happier and more of myself when I’m at work now. I never thought that just by being myself can be so liberating, and happy. I finally came to accept that those who can’t accept me even when I was trying very hard to please, will never accept me for who I am. Surprisingly, when I show the real me, those who didn’t agree with me in the past are actually the ones who noticed the change and started to embrace the real me. The happiest thing is not that I’ve changed to become a better person, it is when I heard “Ashley, I changed because you changed”. Now I understand it is so important for me to be myself and not trying to please people.

I know clearly that I am not a “too sensitive” person because when I’m around my other friends and family, I can tell them exactly what they have offended me and they will explain to me and they never for once say that I am being “too sensitive”. They acknowledge what I’m feeling!

For those that still think I’m “too sensitive”, take a mirror and look at yourself. Who’s the one being too sensitive here?

Oh wait, if I say the statement above, I will become a nasty abuser and all of a sudden I am not “too sensitive” anymore but rude and disrespectful. Sigh……

My motto now is, stop pleasing everyone, and start being REAL. Just be nice and true to yourself.


5 Years With WordPress

Logged in to WordPress and I saw this notification:-

Happy Anniversary!

You registered on WordPress.com 5 years ago!

Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

It reminds me of how I started blogging.

Started 7 years ago with Friendster, the “IN” thing back then. Then with myspace. Then went on full blogging mode with Blogger (Blogspot back then). I was so frustrated with Blogger’s functions and templates, and for security reason, I switched to WordPress. And I never look back since.

WordPress is so much cleaner, tidier and easier to understand. Although I can’t play with the HTML codes to change the template, I am happy with the ready templates available.

5 years with WordPress, I’m still loving it.


Flock Or Solo

Being human, that’s saying we don’t live alone.

There may be a few exceptional cases, but generally, we humans like to be associated with a certain group of people. We often seek to be part of a group and we always hope to be accepted by the group of people that we want to be with.

I have always desired to be accepted by the people that I want to be with. I try to fit in, adapt and change. I am always a follower. I always agree to what others say, so that I can be seen as part of the group and I so hope that I would be part of the group.

Is it because of my background and upbringing? I am not too sure. I just have this strong desire to be with people. I can do a lot of things alone and I don’t feel lonely. However when it comes to friends and work, I realised I have always wanted to be accepted by people. I don’t want to be seen as a lone ranger.

Recently, things change. I, change.

Things started to change few years ago, but now I have finally come to terms with the cold hard fact. The fact that, not everyone can accept me for who I really am. The fact that, all they want is for me to become like one of them. The fact that, they dislike the real me.

I have always believed that I could become someone better, someone that everyone likes. I couldn’t bear the thought of being disliked. I have always wanted to make things right when I came to know that someone dislikes me. I tried to improve and I did improve. I didn’t realise what I was doing was merely putting my real me to sleep. It was like playing as another person.

Sometimes, I felt I was accepted. I finally belonged to the “group”. However, when they still left you out, when you were still the last person on their mind, when they did not care how you feel, when it is always them you have to please…… It just hurts so much when you thought you were accepted by people only to find out you were actually not.

I could continue playing that person, if only people around me could accept me. It was never good enough. I, was never good enough. No matter how much I tried, how much I changed, people don’t seem to accept me. Not completely.

It got me thinking…… Ashley, do you need to please everybody just so that they accept you? Are you happy pleasing everybody except yourself? Are you happy playing someone that you are not? Will you be happy if they accept you completely? Is that the real you that they accept?

That’s the time I realised, I was constantly playing a different person. And I wasn’t happy. I was not me.

I missed my old self. That fearless, cheerful and confident ME.

I have decided, nothing and no one is more important than me myself. I have to take care of myself because if I don’t, no one will.

I am sick of saying yes all the time and I am tired of following someone else’s wish.

If someone doesn’t care about me or how I feel, so be it. It doesn’t concern me anymore.

If someone is not pleased with what I say and do, so be it. I’m not going to try to explain anymore.

Yes, it is time, to fly solo.

I don’t belong to the flock, and I never will. I never could.

Suddenly, I am happy once more. I am alone, but I am not lonely.

It’s so liberating to finally be myself, the real me.

P.S.: I only have a handful of friends that I am close to. I don’t see them very often, but they are the true friends that really let me be myself when I’m with them. I don’t please them, I merely enjoy the time spent with them. They accept me for who I am. They listen and they don’t judge. I was so sad when some people around me kept telling me that they’re my friends and yet they went on to judge me and gossip about me behind my back. That’s the time I learnt that I have to ditch the flock. The good thing about them is, they helped me grow. I gotta admit that without them, I wouldn’t realise how silly I was.


Missing My Angels

If the first pregnancy went smoothly, I would be celebrating my Christmas this year with my baby.

If the second one went smoothly, I would now be celebrating my Christmas with a big bundle of joy.

Seriously, festive seasons only make you miss the loved ones you lost, MORE.

Babies, are you celebrating Christmas together in heaven?

image


Healing. Mourning.

Time flies, it’s been two months. My body is still healing from the miscarriage. My heart, still aches sometimes.

I feel a lot more guilty this time, because I seem to be coping very well with the loss. I feel that I didn’t mourn the unborn child enough. The feeling of guilt is so strong now. Someone in a pregnancy forum told me, moving on faster this time doesn’t mean I love it any lesser. However, I feel terrible.

I don’t want to forget. I force myself to remember it every 23rd of the month. I would count, one month, two months. Subconsciously, I will try to make it difficult for myself.

I have thought of getting myself pregnant soon, but I know that is not what I want.

I too have thought of giving up on having a child, knowing that Andrew would not mind.

But it is just so not me to give up something so easily. Especially when I know I have not done my best.

Having a child has never been the priority in my life. I’m not sure if I should make it one now.

P.S.: I would be 5 months pregnant now if I did not miscarry……


Gifts For Him Vs. Gifts For Her

I’ve always heard people said, “I don’t know what to get her this Christmas, she’s got everything”.

People who said that, obviously have not bought a gift for a man before. I think!

It always puzzles me when people said that. If you’re really out of idea, just a cosmetic/skincare/bodycare gift box would really make her grinning from ear to ear.

A woman would never complain she has too many bottle of perfume.
A man though can be very choosy for the scent.

A woman would never say no to jewellery.
A man though doesn’t usually wear jewellery!

A woman would always be happy to receive flowers.
A man though doesn’t seem to appreciate the beauty of flowers.

A woman would be happy to receive soft toys.
A man though doesn’t like to be associated with anything fluffy and cute.

A woman doesn’t mind to have an extra purse.
A man though carries one wallet until it’s torn.

I’ve thought of pen. Nope, he doesn’t carry one around.

How about wallet? No, the one he’s using is still new.

Shoes? Sorry, I will have to bring him there for fitting. So, no.

Shades? He doesn’t wear them, and he lost the Armani pair that his brother gave him all because he rarely wore them and he forgot where he put. -__-

Gadgets? Toys? They’re too expensive. He’s into remote control helis and stuff, but they’re so bloody expensive. He likes the new Play Station 4, again, it is damn expensive. You have no idea. He doesn’t simply splurge, but he has expensive taste. @__@

Watch then. I know he likes one of the G-Shock watches, but it’s so expensive! And I think I’ll save that for his birthday.

Think I’m left with clothes and perfume. SIGH…………………………

Now, don’t ever tell me it is easier to buy gift for a man!


Random #16 – Office

Wow…… Looks like it’s been some time since I last posted something “random”.

Two days ago, my colleague told me something funny and when I heard that, I laughed hysterically. I couldn’t stop laughing whenever I think of it.

Colleague 1: There’s someone from Jurassic Park looking for you.
Colleague 2: HUH???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It turned out that someone from the lawyer firm Zulrafique & Partners came.

Zulrafique & Partners = Jurassic Park???????!!!!!!!!!

Now, go laugh your a** off. I know you want to. :P

Lesson learned, make sure you get the name correctly, don’t make yourself look like a fool. :P


How Else Would You Spell ASHLEY?

Ashley, is a pretty common name I would say. When someone tells you his/her name is Ashley, the spelling that comes to mind would be either Ashley, Ashlee, Ashlea, Ashlie, or even Ashleigh.

However, I know for some people, to pronounce Ashley is a chore. That’s because right after you make the “O” from pronouncing the “Ash”, you have to immediately pull your lips back to pronounce the “lee”. Some may even have problem saying the “sh”. So, the name will sound like “Asley”. @__@

Ashley, isn’t my Christian name since I’m not a Christian. It is a name which I gave myself when I started college because the tutors and lecturers couldn’t pronounce my Chinese name correctly. Mind you, my Chinese name isn’t too difficult to pronounce and I have no idea why a lot of people always couldn’t get it right! Little did I know some people would still have problem pronouncing Ashley. T__T

Over the years, I’ve received emails from people addressing me “AshEly”. I’m not sure if it was a typo or what. My email address clearly states “ASHLEY”, but they would always write “AshEly”! With the “E” in front of “L”! Always! Something wrong with their eyes?????????

Fine, I could take “Ashely” as a typo. How about “Ashly”? Where’s my “E”???!!! Again, do they have problem reading email address? Not just once, emails after emails with my signature at the bottom which says “ASHLEY”, they insist to address me as “Ashly”. I bet they must be starving to have eaten the “E”.

Then, I have people writing to me and addressing me as “Asly”. @__@ You must have noticed. “Ashley” got shorter and shorter. I totally understand, “Asly” way much easier to pronounce. However, I don’t remember pronouncing my name as “Asly” when I talk to people. I know how people could have missed the “sh”, I always emphasize on pronouncing “Ae-ssshhh-lee”. There is no way one could miss the “sh”! Sigh……

The most recent one, and it didn’t happen just once, but twice! In Starbucks! Seriously, I’m wondering if Starbucks management gave all their staffs a list of names to be written on the cups whenever they hear such names from their customers. I happily told them my name is “Ashley” when they asked for it. What appeared on my cups was this:

Starbucks Can't Spell

This isn’t the first time I got “Esly” from Starbucks. The previous time I didn’t bother to take picture of it. -__- “ESLY”!!! Why “Esly”?! My pronunciation can’t be that bad! Or people nowadays pronounce “Esly” with the “ash”? @__@

My friend then showed me a link that “Starbucks Employees Can’t Spell Names Well“. It was horrendous! I feel sorry for those people! Then I thought, would the employees have done it on purpose? You certainly know what vagina and anus are! Suddenly, “Esly” seems so much better.

I have also heard some people pronounce “Ashley” as “Asli”, which is the same pronunciation for “orang asli” (which means native)! T__T Some would even make fun of it by saying, “Asli??? Orang asli ke awak ni???” And they laughed. *Cries* Why like that????

I can only blame myself…… SIGH. –_____–


Fast & Furious Will Never Be The Same

I believe most of us know him from The Fast and The Furious. He was a young lad back then. It was only few months ago that we’ve seen Fast & Furious 6. Now, he’s gone.

Few days ago, I woke up to my Facebook flooded with the bad news. I didn’t want to believe it, I went Google to see if it was a hoax. I was hoping very hard that it was just another hoax that people created. This time, Google disappoints me. The news was already on BBC, it wasn’t a hoax. Within minutes, my Facebook was flooded with pictures of him.

I don’t know why this time a celebrity’s death could make me feel so sad. I was sad when Michael Jackson died, but not like this. I didn’t cry, but I felt the heart-ache. I got teary looking at all the RIP messages on Facebook. It’s weird for me to feel the pain when I don’t know him at all.

Is it because I’ve seen all of the Fast & Furious series? Is it because he was too young? Or I feel sorry for him to die at the peak of his career? Or because I won’t see him in Fast & Furious anymore?

People have been saying that we only remember Paul Walker, but we forgot there’s another person who died, which was his friend, Roger Rodas. Just because he wasn’t famous, nobody seems to notice. According to the website, he was only 38, even younger than Paul Walker.

A lot have also said that Paul Walker was only an average man you could find off the street and he didn’t deserve what he was having. Well…… To me, he was still a great actor and someone who did his part to make the world a better place.

Are good people destined to die young?

Too young. Too soon. 

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Picture from Facebook

Philippines Relief – Reach Out Worldwide


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