Being human, that’s saying we don’t live alone.
There may be a few exceptional cases, but generally, we humans like to be associated with a certain group of people. We often seek to be part of a group and we always hope to be accepted by the group of people that we want to be with.
I have always desired to be accepted by the people that I want to be with. I try to fit in, adapt and change. I am always a follower. I always agree to what others say, so that I can be seen as part of the group and I so hope that I would be part of the group.
Is it because of my background and upbringing? I am not too sure. I just have this strong desire to be with people. I can do a lot of things alone and I don’t feel lonely. However when it comes to friends and work, I realised I have always wanted to be accepted by people. I don’t want to be seen as a lone ranger.
Recently, things change. I, change.
Things started to change few years ago, but now I have finally come to terms with the cold hard fact. The fact that, not everyone can accept me for who I really am. The fact that, all they want is for me to become like one of them. The fact that, they dislike the real me.
I have always believed that I could become someone better, someone that everyone likes. I couldn’t bear the thought of being disliked. I have always wanted to make things right when I came to know that someone dislikes me. I tried to improve and I did improve. I didn’t realise what I was doing was merely putting my real me to sleep. It was like playing as another person.
Sometimes, I felt I was accepted. I finally belonged to the “group”. However, when they still left you out, when you were still the last person on their mind, when they did not care how you feel, when it is always them you have to please…… It just hurts so much when you thought you were accepted by people only to find out you were actually not.
I could continue playing that person, if only people around me could accept me. It was never good enough. I, was never good enough. No matter how much I tried, how much I changed, people don’t seem to accept me. Not completely.
It got me thinking…… Ashley, do you need to please everybody just so that they accept you? Are you happy pleasing everybody except yourself? Are you happy playing someone that you are not? Will you be happy if they accept you completely? Is that the real you that they accept?
That’s the time I realised, I was constantly playing a different person. And I wasn’t happy. I was not me.
I missed my old self. That fearless, cheerful and confident ME.
I have decided, nothing and no one is more important than me myself. I have to take care of myself because if I don’t, no one will.
I am sick of saying yes all the time and I am tired of following someone else’s wish.
If someone doesn’t care about me or how I feel, so be it. It doesn’t concern me anymore.
If someone is not pleased with what I say and do, so be it. I’m not going to try to explain anymore.
Yes, it is time, to fly solo.
I don’t belong to the flock, and I never will. I never could.
Suddenly, I am happy once more. I am alone, but I am not lonely.
It’s so liberating to finally be myself, the real me.
P.S.: I only have a handful of friends that I am close to. I don’t see them very often, but they are the true friends that really let me be myself when I’m with them. I don’t please them, I merely enjoy the time spent with them. They accept me for who I am. They listen and they don’t judge. I was so sad when some people around me kept telling me that they’re my friends and yet they went on to judge me and gossip about me behind my back. That’s the time I learnt that I have to ditch the flock. The good thing about them is, they helped me grow. I gotta admit that without them, I wouldn’t realise how silly I was.